A confusing visual guide to

Doctor Who – Forest of the Dead ( 2008 )

Edited Highlights:

I don’t have a flippin’ idea what’s going in this one. Moffat overdosed on chalk (see what i did there?)

Rant:

Oh, it’s a simulated reality/alternate world/Being John Malkovich sorta stuff? With a tubby archaeologist? Phew.

So, we start with Creepy Girl again and her Dopey Dad. We are just recovering from an OBVIOUS CLIFFHANGER RESOLUTION DEVICE alert that kinda ruins the cool cliffhanger from last time. She might be in an asylum, Chocky-style or maybe the editor is asleep at the job and mixed it up with another program. I dunno, your bet is as good as mine. In fact, it probably was.

So anyhoo, more red shirts get topped, Morpheus continues to babble along the plot and Catherine Tate gets hitched… uh? She’s married now? Poor fella, hope he has a good stomach for what’s coming and… what? Kids already?!?!?! Time flies, uh? It’s like a bad Owen Wilson comedy.

Now, let’s be a little like Mr. Moffat and write the next paragraph like this story is written:

Hey, thegreedy bastidd turns out to be a nice dude . The effects are better than any sh1t from ILM, really.Look for me in the books. Under “ARSE KICKER!” Ah, c’mon Feepo, stop it with the harry lloyd impersonations! Whoa… killer shadows? like the x-files? Tony Shalhoub lives!!! It’s a scare-a-thon! What a twist!

Eventually, everything works out perfectly. Everybody lives. Indeed.

And that’s it.

Random Thoughts (timecoded so you can check ‘em out if you have the patience…)

01:55 argh! OBVIOUS CLIFFHANGER RESOLUTION DEVICE ALERT!!!
02:10 I bet that girl is Sadako/Samara from The Ring!
02:52 An Asylum, like in Chocky’s Children!
03:01 Morpheus?
03:45 Okay, either the editor is asleep at the job or this is a mindfekk!
04:35 She’s the catch of the day, uh?
07:29 Is it wrong to think she’s pretty?
09:08 “Some hair dryers…” hahaha
10:58 Crapping my pants!
11:52 I need a hug…srly
12:38 it’s a motherflippin’ Ringwraith!
14:39 It’s Bespin!
16:16 Aw, it’s an environmental thing?!
16:54 Officially I’m scared
22:00 Geek time!
25:00 I tells ya, it’s a homage to Adam Sandler’s Click!
29:05 Kubrick will sue……….FROOOOOOOOM BEYOND THE GRAVE!
32:10 Expected but…FUCKOLA!
33:29 GLASSJAW FEEPO!
42:20 Is it heaven?

Uh?! Moments

FUCKOLA! moments!

Duh!-nna

Moff-cary Moments

….tubby?

Feepo!!!!!

“What? All the other episodes are written by Russell T. Davies?”

“Moffat is the next producer? Sah-weeeeet!!”

FrillyRating

RTD, producer MAGNIFIQUE and on his fookin’ way out says:

“Bah, my stories are much better and appeal to you beans on toast eatin’ proletariat!”

MOFFAT retorts:

“And I got the keys to the Whisky cabinet in the canteen. Bitch”.

Silly Captions:

“Harold Lloyd – he ain’t”.

“Feepo says: TALK TO THE HAND!”

A scary visual guide to

Doctor Who – Silence in the library ( 2008 )

Edited Highlights:

The Doctor and his silly bint arrive at a public library, meet a bunch of red shirts and are chased by a biology lab style skeleton in an astronaut suit. There’s also a creeptastic little girl with a particular hairdo and Morpheus has a new job since the Matrix ordeal…

Rant:

So after a rather mixed bag of an episode, we get to Steven Moffat’s “this one’s the scary one!” two-parter, a veritable greatest hits of what made his previous stories work so well.

Tried and true, then? You could call it lazy, but I like to think it’s “his signature”. Or maybe it’s lazy, I dunno, it’s a real cool one.

But I digest. And I digress.

Anyhoo, so Doc Barty Crouch Jr. and Silly Donna mosey around the library, looking for some vintage Palahniuk, when they catch up with a bunch of red shirts 2001 rejects archaeologists who are also roaming the place.

They start to argue around a bit, and there’s this tubby chick who although is a bit old looks quite nice. She starts being a bit quirky, but turns out she knows who the Doctor is (see what i did there?). This obviously piques his curiosity.

Meanwhile, no more than a scary swallow flight away, we get the british equivalent of Sadako and Morpheus, chatting in a rather nice looking house with a rather stupid looking dad (okay, dopey! he’s dopey!). Morpheus speaks on Fishburnese, so none of us, the general public, nor the little girl, the patient, can understand bric or brac or keep track of what the mofo is saying. The girl seems to have magic powers…is this Chocky?

Back to the library (uh?), well, the nice looking girl with the expedition (not the tubby one, but the skinny dopey one with a big arse sign that says “I’M GONNA DIE JUST ABOUT IN FIVE SECONDS, HALP!!?!?!” gets, well, turned into a plastic skeleton nicked from a biology lab.

No, seriously, she gets topped like that. There’s some scary bits with disembodied voices and some hoopla about chicken legs. Yes, it’s that confusing. He tells them to leave, but the idjits just won’t lissen. Ah, kids today.

Oh, btw, the Tubby Scientist? She has a diary…in the form of a TARDIS! I want one!

Switch back to the creepy kid. She behaves creepy. Morpheus speaks in riddle. Someone arrest them, they speak in math and buzz like a fridge.

Back to Dr. Serious Feepo, Laura Donna and the Red Shirts. Another astronaut gets topped and the Tubby Girl that taunts poor Dr. Feepo brandishes a gun (hey, that’s from Captain Jack, you silly bint!!) and makes a fekkin’ big hole in the plot wall.

Meanwhile, Doc Silly Feepo puts Donna on some silly transmat thing stole from Star Trek and then another plastic skeleton dons a spacesuit and LUMBERS MENACINGLY towards our heroes and BOOO-YAH! Cliffhanger!!!

Random Thoughts (timecoded so you can check ‘em out if you have the patience…)

00:20 she’s high!
01:30 WTF?!?!?!
02:20 she dresses like Rose now?
05:00 Creeporama!
05:49 Ursula?
07:35 I would hop into the Tardis and hightail outta here!!
09:05 Moffat, what you smokin’ mate?
10:26 Is this the planet of the Ursulas?
11:20 JEBUS ALMIGHTY!!! Creepy!
12:15 Hey, it’s the Stig from Top Gear!
12:50 Red shirts in white suits
13:00 Cool it, David, you’ll pop your eye out like that!
19:00 a telephone that rings but it’s not ringing? that’s from life on mars!
19:56 officially confused!
21:45 Is this Click?
27:08 quick and clean?
31:01 She’s your one night stand from Nottingham, dude!
31:50 Stupid psychologist!!! You are not helping!
33:20 Bad news, Donna…
36:20 Oh, dude, you divorced her and she keep the screwdriver!
36:40 DONNA LET ME EXPLAIN (mutters: good riddance!)
38:00 – 38:44 FRIJOLES!!!! need new pants, mate!
40:52 FEKKK ME!!!

And now…the visual guide!!

Clueless dad moments

Moffisms (cool dialogue, weird weapons, scary bits)

Reasons to stay chaste (aka Scary Kids and Super Creeps)

Non Feepo moments

Ursula?

Actually, I lied, there’s some Feepo

Times I just went “uh?”

Scary arse moments

Dumb arse moments

Plotholes (psst…use the vanish gun, you silly bint!!!)

…Tubby?

FrillyRating

RTD, producer MAGNIFIQUE says:

“Why do you silly mosquitoes love Moffat so much??!?!! LOVE ME!! LOVE MEEEE! I WRITE STUFF THAT DELIVERS!!!”

MOFFAT retorts:

“I got your job and I have THREE Hugo awards. B1tch”.

Silly Captions:

Scary monsters and super creeps! (YESSSS!! Robby the Robot!)

“Daaaaamn! I’m surrounded by Tubby Red Shirts!”

“Feepo likey iPod!”

A buzzing visual guide to

Doctor Who – The Unicorn and the Wasp ( 2008 )

Edited Highlights:

The Doctor and Lauren Donna need to solve a murder mystery with Miss Marple Agatha Christie. Hilarity, murder, lace, cyanide and a whole lot of references ensue.

Rant:

It’s the 1920s and plucky Donna and his Charleston-dancing friend (Feepo, temping for the Doc this week) arrive just in time for a par-taaaay…and murder! Oh, and the colour purple abused thoroughly…what’s with the production values, yo?

Turns out some fat dude gets topped in a study (where’s Colonel Mustard, yo?). Through some maaaad detecting skillssss (meaning just waiting for expository clues to appear), The Doctor, Donna and a very shaggable Agatha Christie run around for 40 minutes or so. I dunno, I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION, OKAY? I was just grabbing some screen caps and thinking of jokes. HAVE PITY!

Anyhoo, there’s fekkin’ big wasp killing people around (get Michael Caine, he has the experience! Or even better, get Nicolas Cage!), some stiff upper lip mocking of the British way of life and… that’s it! There’s some weird convoluted discussionabout Agatha Christie’s mysterious disappearance but it…. doesn’t deliver.

And what’s with the character’s stupidity? What the frijoles are they thinking? “ooooh, there’s a nice GIGANTOFEKKERAMA wasp coming my way! What should I do?” GET TOPPED, you idiot! “Oooh, there’s a heavy-like statue coming towards me from the sky? Shall I move to the side? NAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, let it hit me! I CAN TAKE IT!” … Fellas, your Darwin Awards are waiting, collect them on your way to the big re-run in the sky.

The plot…. ehrm, there was one? Gareth Roberts does know his references and it shows, but, jolly frijoles and chips… is he into recycling? He’s pretty much doing the same thing he did on The Shakespeare Code, even the “ah, that’s where they got their inspiration from” jokes ( “You can use that” in Shakespeare Code, “Copyright: DONNA NOBLE!” on this one). It’s a good joke, but all these jokes suffer from repetition.

I would like to make a small aside from all this nastiness from my rant to make some kudos for director Graeme Harper, I love his style. HE FEKKIN’ RULES, OK??? Go watch Caves of the Androzani or Rise of the Cybermen. If you don’t have them, acquire them or invite me out for some food and I’ll gladly show ‘em to you .

Wait, it wasn’t an aside. It was the end of the review. Sorry!

Random thoughts (and the time they appeared):

01:55 “ooh, a giant wasp! OH SH1T IM DEAD!”
02:32 “Flapper or slapper? How about annoying, honey?”
04:56 “Get Poirot on the scene!!”
09:50: WTF… wavy lines for flashbacks?!?!
11:30 A flashback inside a flashbackl?!
14:42 It’s the pudsey bear!
15:55 “Buzzed off!” …groaaaan!
22:00 Damn! THE BUTLER DID IT?!
23:30 she has terrible breath!
25:55 I have a pun for you “he has something on his back!” BOOM BOOM!
29:07 Yes officer, arrest me.. ahh so that’s where the stupid agatha christie villains come from!
29:10 She’s the unicorn because he gives the horn?
38:50 Bessie?

41:25 I would have amnesia too if I were at Harrogate

43:48 (trailer) URSULA?!?!?!?!

And now…the visual rating!!!

Groan inducing puns

Moments I thought “whoa, either i’m horny or they are nice looking!”

Harperisms (nice shots, cool tracking bits, nice visual flair)

Moments o’duuuuuuuuuuuh!

Attack of the Feepo!

Is this satire?

She did…WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

“Geeze….can I skip directly to the Moffat one?”

Frillyrating:

RTD says:

“Frilly, you suck! This is satire! SATIRE! And it delivers!”

Silly Captions:

“She did WHAT with an alien wasp?”
“Oh, I bet it stinged!” (eat your heart out, Gareth Roberts!)

They caught her in the act!

AAAH!!! Never eat Dave’s Insanity Sauce! NEVER!!!

“Oh no….blue means pregnant?”

PS: I liked it maybe a tad higher than 3 stars, but it’s open to get some pounding, right? And Caves of the Androzani? IT SERIOUSLY DELIVERS:

A poisonous visual guide to…

Doctor Who – The Poison Sky ( 2008 )

So, there I am, 3 am, fiiiiiiiiiiiiinally arriving from another Saturday working as a bartender (never mix absinthe with vodka with tequila, kiddies) and lo and behold, the Mad Martha Torrent was there shiny in all it’s illegal glory…and I didn’t watch it ’cause being a bartender can be hard on ye…

Anyyyhoo, i gave it a view today and you know what? It wasn’t that bad. I quite enjoyed it even if it’s the nth invasion of earth story (whoa, is it the Pertwee years again?). The cliffhanger was solved as expected, there was a fun-fun shootout and Martha’s Evil Clone acts better than the silly bint does (which isnt a lot, really). Donna goes a bit Nyssa and does rather nothing and there’s a lot of dodgy science going around here. The Big Flame o’Burning (TM) apparently didn’t burn anybody nor any plane nor any fowl nor anything at all, it seems.

Cribbins? He’s the man, really. I get a hint of Patrick Troughton… the way he talks and all, it reminds me of The Mighty Trout, dunno why.

Finally, some aliens that aren’t bulletproof… wonder why the heads didn’t collapse or some green goo came out of their mouth (ala 2 docs!)

The “wtf?” moment was courtesy of Bingo, of course. I might have a theory of what’s going on, but it’s quite stupid and frankly I don’t think they’ll go there…

Random Thoughts:
-Martha really is going the “Nyssa way”… useless in Who, useless in Tosswood… both had a nice-ish rump, that’s it!
-WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Was that who I think it was??!!?!?! BINGO!
-Did they bought a cd of jokey sound effects? The lasers sound like sh1t!
-Donna plays WHACK A MOLE!!
-Biggest Plothole? NO GARETH JENKINS!!!!! Where is he?!?! A fix with Sontarans said he saves us! Jimmy wouldn’t lie, would he?
-ARE YOU MY MUMMY!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-A kiss after humanity is saved? wtf? is this a Michael Bay movie?
-How can they do the “SONTAR HA!” thing if they are pointing guns?! And is it really that expensive that they must reuse the footage from last ep?
-”I set the planet on fire, but don’t worry, nothing happened”
-The evil Tween … Vaughn he aint… Camp it up dude!

Anyhooo, the Visual Guide y’all probably tired of:

Amount of times we get the cool “UNIT theme”

Times you think Raynor will do something cool on her script

Times you JUST know RTD messed aboot here:

Silly “Gringo’s are madddddddd” “for the lulz!” moments

Times the human baddies (Marthaclone and the idiotic kid genius) go into “Diabolical Acting” mode


Stupid “oooh they are really small!” jokes

Times you think Cribbins looks like an old Patrick Troughton

Reasons why DAVO is the perfect Father in law

Moments o’Feepo (TM)

Reasons to see the next episode

More “the Doc is bad, bad, BAAAAD!” mum moments

Times you think Cribbins deserves his own fekkin’ series

Stupid companion moments:

Proof that the work of Davo is SACRED!!!

Red Berets that have red shirts

FrillyRating:

RTD says:
IT DELIVERS!!!

Silly captions:

It’s pass the kool aid day!

Fekkin Pamela Nash!

The Doctor in Mexico City

Man, if this was Torchwood….