A confusing visual guide to

Doctor Who – Forest of the Dead ( 2008 )

Edited Highlights:

I don’t have a flippin’ idea what’s going in this one. Moffat overdosed on chalk (see what i did there?)

Rant:

Oh, it’s a simulated reality/alternate world/Being John Malkovich sorta stuff? With a tubby archaeologist? Phew.

So, we start with Creepy Girl again and her Dopey Dad. We are just recovering from an OBVIOUS CLIFFHANGER RESOLUTION DEVICE alert that kinda ruins the cool cliffhanger from last time. She might be in an asylum, Chocky-style or maybe the editor is asleep at the job and mixed it up with another program. I dunno, your bet is as good as mine. In fact, it probably was.

So anyhoo, more red shirts get topped, Morpheus continues to babble along the plot and Catherine Tate gets hitched… uh? She’s married now? Poor fella, hope he has a good stomach for what’s coming and… what? Kids already?!?!?! Time flies, uh? It’s like a bad Owen Wilson comedy.

Now, let’s be a little like Mr. Moffat and write the next paragraph like this story is written:

Hey, thegreedy bastidd turns out to be a nice dude . The effects are better than any sh1t from ILM, really.Look for me in the books. Under “ARSE KICKER!” Ah, c’mon Feepo, stop it with the harry lloyd impersonations! Whoa… killer shadows? like the x-files? Tony Shalhoub lives!!! It’s a scare-a-thon! What a twist!

Eventually, everything works out perfectly. Everybody lives. Indeed.

And that’s it.

Random Thoughts (timecoded so you can check ‘em out if you have the patience…)

01:55 argh! OBVIOUS CLIFFHANGER RESOLUTION DEVICE ALERT!!!
02:10 I bet that girl is Sadako/Samara from The Ring!
02:52 An Asylum, like in Chocky’s Children!
03:01 Morpheus?
03:45 Okay, either the editor is asleep at the job or this is a mindfekk!
04:35 She’s the catch of the day, uh?
07:29 Is it wrong to think she’s pretty?
09:08 “Some hair dryers…” hahaha
10:58 Crapping my pants!
11:52 I need a hug…srly
12:38 it’s a motherflippin’ Ringwraith!
14:39 It’s Bespin!
16:16 Aw, it’s an environmental thing?!
16:54 Officially I’m scared
22:00 Geek time!
25:00 I tells ya, it’s a homage to Adam Sandler’s Click!
29:05 Kubrick will sue……….FROOOOOOOOM BEYOND THE GRAVE!
32:10 Expected but…FUCKOLA!
33:29 GLASSJAW FEEPO!
42:20 Is it heaven?

Uh?! Moments

FUCKOLA! moments!

Duh!-nna

Moff-cary Moments

….tubby?

Feepo!!!!!

“What? All the other episodes are written by Russell T. Davies?”

“Moffat is the next producer? Sah-weeeeet!!”

FrillyRating

RTD, producer MAGNIFIQUE and on his fookin’ way out says:

“Bah, my stories are much better and appeal to you beans on toast eatin’ proletariat!”

MOFFAT retorts:

“And I got the keys to the Whisky cabinet in the canteen. Bitch”.

Silly Captions:

“Harold Lloyd – he ain’t”.

“Feepo says: TALK TO THE HAND!”

A scary visual guide to

Doctor Who – Silence in the library ( 2008 )

Edited Highlights:

The Doctor and his silly bint arrive at a public library, meet a bunch of red shirts and are chased by a biology lab style skeleton in an astronaut suit. There’s also a creeptastic little girl with a particular hairdo and Morpheus has a new job since the Matrix ordeal…

Rant:

So after a rather mixed bag of an episode, we get to Steven Moffat’s “this one’s the scary one!” two-parter, a veritable greatest hits of what made his previous stories work so well.

Tried and true, then? You could call it lazy, but I like to think it’s “his signature”. Or maybe it’s lazy, I dunno, it’s a real cool one.

But I digest. And I digress.

Anyhoo, so Doc Barty Crouch Jr. and Silly Donna mosey around the library, looking for some vintage Palahniuk, when they catch up with a bunch of red shirts 2001 rejects archaeologists who are also roaming the place.

They start to argue around a bit, and there’s this tubby chick who although is a bit old looks quite nice. She starts being a bit quirky, but turns out she knows who the Doctor is (see what i did there?). This obviously piques his curiosity.

Meanwhile, no more than a scary swallow flight away, we get the british equivalent of Sadako and Morpheus, chatting in a rather nice looking house with a rather stupid looking dad (okay, dopey! he’s dopey!). Morpheus speaks on Fishburnese, so none of us, the general public, nor the little girl, the patient, can understand bric or brac or keep track of what the mofo is saying. The girl seems to have magic powers…is this Chocky?

Back to the library (uh?), well, the nice looking girl with the expedition (not the tubby one, but the skinny dopey one with a big arse sign that says “I’M GONNA DIE JUST ABOUT IN FIVE SECONDS, HALP!!?!?!” gets, well, turned into a plastic skeleton nicked from a biology lab.

No, seriously, she gets topped like that. There’s some scary bits with disembodied voices and some hoopla about chicken legs. Yes, it’s that confusing. He tells them to leave, but the idjits just won’t lissen. Ah, kids today.

Oh, btw, the Tubby Scientist? She has a diary…in the form of a TARDIS! I want one!

Switch back to the creepy kid. She behaves creepy. Morpheus speaks in riddle. Someone arrest them, they speak in math and buzz like a fridge.

Back to Dr. Serious Feepo, Laura Donna and the Red Shirts. Another astronaut gets topped and the Tubby Girl that taunts poor Dr. Feepo brandishes a gun (hey, that’s from Captain Jack, you silly bint!!) and makes a fekkin’ big hole in the plot wall.

Meanwhile, Doc Silly Feepo puts Donna on some silly transmat thing stole from Star Trek and then another plastic skeleton dons a spacesuit and LUMBERS MENACINGLY towards our heroes and BOOO-YAH! Cliffhanger!!!

Random Thoughts (timecoded so you can check ‘em out if you have the patience…)

00:20 she’s high!
01:30 WTF?!?!?!
02:20 she dresses like Rose now?
05:00 Creeporama!
05:49 Ursula?
07:35 I would hop into the Tardis and hightail outta here!!
09:05 Moffat, what you smokin’ mate?
10:26 Is this the planet of the Ursulas?
11:20 JEBUS ALMIGHTY!!! Creepy!
12:15 Hey, it’s the Stig from Top Gear!
12:50 Red shirts in white suits
13:00 Cool it, David, you’ll pop your eye out like that!
19:00 a telephone that rings but it’s not ringing? that’s from life on mars!
19:56 officially confused!
21:45 Is this Click?
27:08 quick and clean?
31:01 She’s your one night stand from Nottingham, dude!
31:50 Stupid psychologist!!! You are not helping!
33:20 Bad news, Donna…
36:20 Oh, dude, you divorced her and she keep the screwdriver!
36:40 DONNA LET ME EXPLAIN (mutters: good riddance!)
38:00 – 38:44 FRIJOLES!!!! need new pants, mate!
40:52 FEKKK ME!!!

And now…the visual guide!!

Clueless dad moments

Moffisms (cool dialogue, weird weapons, scary bits)

Reasons to stay chaste (aka Scary Kids and Super Creeps)

Non Feepo moments

Ursula?

Actually, I lied, there’s some Feepo

Times I just went “uh?”

Scary arse moments

Dumb arse moments

Plotholes (psst…use the vanish gun, you silly bint!!!)

…Tubby?

FrillyRating

RTD, producer MAGNIFIQUE says:

“Why do you silly mosquitoes love Moffat so much??!?!! LOVE ME!! LOVE MEEEE! I WRITE STUFF THAT DELIVERS!!!”

MOFFAT retorts:

“I got your job and I have THREE Hugo awards. B1tch”.

Silly Captions:

Scary monsters and super creeps! (YESSSS!! Robby the Robot!)

“Daaaaamn! I’m surrounded by Tubby Red Shirts!”

“Feepo likey iPod!”