there’s no end to these visual guides, is there?

Torchwood – Sleeper ( 2008 )

So, another day, another Torchwood?

Kind off, actually, this one feels more like 24 meets X-Files, really . Not that there’s anything wrong with it. It goes like this: a crazy bint goes bananas on a bunch of blaggers and since the UK is sooooo lawsuit happy, she gets sued by the blaggers (one of them died, but what gives? Lawyers can’t be bothered with stuff like that!!).

Anyhoo, the bint wastes her only call and instead of calling Shark or some cool lawyer, she calls Mulder and Scully. Sadly, they were shagging (not each other) and she searched the Yellow Pages for something “X-File-ish”. Obviously, she needs glasses. She gets Torchwood!!

So the Torchwood team o’idiots comes around to help her… by torture! What’s this? Guantanamo’s franchising in Cardiff? So after some ol’ good torture (Captain Jack is a crazy gringo…) turns out that the deranged bint is… AN ALIEN!

Worst of all, she’s part of an infiltration mission that has one mission: to blew the whole frickin’ budget in crazy Michael Bay-esque explosions and sh1t like that. It goes all 24 on us and you get everything: stabbings, bullet, explosions, babies hit by cars, pasties stolen, Windows Vista crashes and even a few moments of pure, cool entertainment.

By some doo-hickeys thingamajigs, they manage to stop this rag tag of stupid aliens, but the one that looks like an evil P.E. teacher mocks them saying that his comrades are…ALREADY HERE!!

…Sadly, i thought this was going to be the arc for the series, but I was wrong. Still, this one entertained me thoroughly. Violence, blood, funny jokes by once po-faced Ianto (now he’s Comedy King Ianto!) and not one but two Battleship Potemkin moments!

Quick thoughts:

-Gee, she really needs to get medication for her PMS.

-That ought hurt!

-NO! NOT THE MIND PROBE!!!!

-Somewhere, George Bush is real proud of Cap’n Jack’s methods.

-You’d think they get out of the fekkin’ Hub and do some policing, dontcha?

-Gee, nice mother skills, you stupid Vicky Pollard look alike!

-WHOA!! NASTY!!! Baby killing on open tv?!?! Even if it’s implied, it’s fekkin’ harsh!

-”I know everything. And it’s at the bottom of the screen”. IANTO = QUIP KING!

-The attack begins!

-HA HA HA HA! “bits of string tied to cardboard rolls!” IANTO KILLS ME !

-Gee…someone saw Predator, right?

-C’mon, dude, you had time to activate your explosives…

-Predictable ending but still…whoa…

Now…the ratings:

Amount of times you think this is about Guantanamo

Times you thought to yourself: hey, it might be something good!

…out of which IT DELIVERS!

Cap Jack’s campy moments (in the dozens)

Times you expect Jack Bauer to drop by, shoot someone in the arse and shag someone (preferably female)

Overshot views of Cardiff (a.k.a. they get payola from the Cardiff board of tourism)

Plot holes (each face is 5)

Ianto quips that made me laughs like an idiot!

FrillyRating: