A tasty visual guide to

Torchwood – Meat ( 2008 )

What’s this? PETA’s episode? Where’s the nekkid chicks saying they rather be nekkid than wear fur? And more importantly… where can I meet them?

Did they took a cue from Robert Holmes‘ school of subtlety? Where’s the “healthy vegetarian diet quip“?

So it starts with Rhys, driving la vida loca in Cardiff when suddenly… BANGOROONIO!!! he runs over some idiot with a fetish for taking pics of people’s shoes.

Anyhow, no more than a welsh swallow flight away, one of Rhys’s employees gets himself topped in a car crash (no, he doesn’t go to 1973), so Rhys goes Scooby Doo. Gwen thinks Rhys’s into it. Hilarity ensues.

Actually, no, what follows is a quite cool but non too subtle episode of Torchwood. The message that eating meat is bad is soooooo drilled on your consciousness that you might get put off of eating it for a while (5 minutes, my time).

A few domestic rows and suspicious looks between Gwen and Jack later, Rhys comes to save the day with a kinda cool plan to infiltrate the place where the special “meat” comes from. Turns out it’s the body of a living alien, which regenerates meat that it’s cut down from it.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

Anyhoo, Ianto is quip-tastic, kicks a lot of bottoms and saves the day. There’s a lot of “crying towel” moments for all you veggies, vegans and weak nancy boys (like meself) to shed a tear and feel bad about that kebab you just had.

I really dug this episode, it has a point to make (even if it’s a bit too heavy handed) but the cool humour, nice action bits and a fantastic pace from director Colin Teague (who also directed the fantastic Torchwood episode Sleeper) and a script by the always reliable writer Catherine Tregenna.

Random thoughts:

-Oh no, another row?

-Geeze…. Gwen is a real b1tch.

-C’mon, Rhys, you deserve better!

-You cheating harpy!

-Owen… meet my boyfriend. Boyfriend, meet the dude I was fooling you with.

-Meat is murder.

-Did Morrissey wrote this?

-Yes, aliens, get over it, ok?

-Aw, c’mon, Owen, don’t shoot Tosh down like that. You could use the shag! (God knows she needs one)

-STOP IT WITH THE “MEAT IS BAD!!!” STUFF! I’m gonna eat THREE carl jrs burgers and then drop dead from clogged arteries after this!

-”We could release a single!” –> IANTO OWNS!!

-”Did I show off” ; “Just a bit!”

-Whoa….Jack… back off!

-”Listen to Ahab!”

-C’mon, Owen, she made you sandwiches…at least buy her a Strongbow and a kebab…

-What’s with the sandwiches?

-Kick their arses, Ianto!

-Who the fekk has a syringe that big?

-OMFG…Jack is a drug pusher!!! SHAME ON YOU! This is a kid’s show!

When it ends you say to yourself: If Ianto led this place, they would be effective.

“Aww, poor Rhys!”

“Gwen, you are a b1tch, sisssteer!”

Times you thought to yourself: hey, it might be something good!

…out of which IT DELIVERS!

Cap Jack’s campy moments (in the dozens)

“Whoa, Ianto could kick Jack Bauer’s arse!!”

Yeah, we get it…meat is murder… rock n roll, deal with it…

Good Ianto jokes

Cap’n Jack is a flirty bastidd!!

Bad sex jokes

Overshots of Beautiful Cardiff

Cap’n Jack’s crying towel moments

Crying towel moments for the rest of the cast

FrillyRating:

Russell T. Davies, our MAN IN CARDIFF! says:

“C’mon, Frilly, you know meat is murder… YOU ARE AN UNFIT PARENT! And you are still a virgin living in your parents basement!”

Egads, another Visual Guide to…

Torchwood – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang ( 2008 )

So, it was … so-so… a lot of good things could be done here, but it goes into neutral silly mode and never changes gear. The team seems to be a little more united (either because of the “emotional journey” from series 1 or some serious rethinking of the series due to fan backlash) and less b1tchy. Jack is still Jack (emote a bit, dude, it won’t hurt you) with the occasional bits of good acting. James Marsters is doing Spike again, sadly.

I don’t mind having bisexual or gay characters. But I dislike the sense that they are used as an excuse to label the show as “edgy”. No, it’s not. Having two dudes kissing does not make you edgy. It even feels a bit like a gimmick. There’s shows that have gay/bisexual characters that are better written, but then again, it’s a scifi show, so I shouldn’t be that harsh with it…only with the hype it’s being surrounded (mostly by the creators, not the general public).

I liked the bits on the container area (yeah, poison kisses!) and how the team is starting to act like one again. Owen is a bit less of an idiot, Tosh gets maybe a few more lines, Gwen is schizophrenic and Ianto… well, I’ll let you know my opinion on the next ep, ’cause in this one he’s a cypher again.

Quick thoughts:
-Yay, it’s Spike!
-”Bloody Torchwood!” You tell em, grandma!!!!
-Wtf? A frickin’ fish!?!?!
-Hey, Jack’s Back!
-Hey, they are it again!
-Whooaaaaaa… cool it with the Daffyd Moments, mate!
-Uh, no one see that coming? He’s the fekkin bad guys, you buncha idiots!
-No, NOT THE RESET BUTTON… ahhh sod it.
-Wait, not everything’s alright… they guy that was going to get his throat cut got it!!! CRAP!
-Gray? wtf? Is that the series arc?

Anyhoo… let’s go for the visual ratings:

Amount of times you wish it was a silent show

Character changes that feel more like “out of character moments”

Times you thought to yourself: hey, it might be something good!

…out of which IT DELIVERS!

…out of which you say to yourself: I hope the next one is better

Daffyd moments

Times you say to yourself: Adult drama? My arse!!!

Cap Jack’s campy moments (in the dozens)

My reaction to the “Ooooooh! Story arc bits being dropped!” moment

FrillyRating: