I can’t believe it’s another Visual Guide to…

Doctor Who – Planet of the Ood (2008 )

Boo yah! The Harper is on the house!

I watched this one with a few “not we” friends… they kinda liked it, but I loved it. Some random moments from the experience:

-Gotta love a pre-credit kill with a nasty quip. have a nice day you too, mr tentacle face.
-I wish I had an anorak like that to stop listening to the same “ooooh wonderful to travel with ye!” speeches.
-That’s not hair tonic, that’s bacardi!
- It’s a cliche to juxtapose a nice speech with violence, innit? But I like this!
-Is this Gladiator? Will Dead Can Dance be making a cameo?
-Whoa! Watch the jaw, buddy!

Drinks ensued…

Anyhoo, my two cents:

A nice chop-chop actioneer, with classic Harperisms (cool lightning, crazy camera angles, pace pace paceeee!) and some truly nasty SAwarDISMS around (gas! double electrocution! shoot shoot shooot!). The first minutes were a bit “shrill of the week” but thankfully it went away fast(ish). I like the Ood even more this time around, and more keywords for the big arc are peppered aboot (your song is coming to an end…oooh). Loved the claw-grab sequence and the snowed factory was classy Old Who.

David Tennant does seem to be a little on cruise control, but I liked his “sad bits”…which in turn reminded me of the Gridlock “sad bits” (i mean the sit down in gridlock). I’m liking the Tate as a companion, I really do.

Now, the visual companion!

Ratings (with extra apologies to John Nor for nicking his image-rating system):
Gurn – o – moments

Scary “something is coming to fekk you up!!” nonsense

Token sadistic military dudes (each icon meaning one squad):

SAwarDISMS (aka Moments-o-gore)

Harperisms (cool lightning, crazy pace, nice shots)

Feepo Moments

Times my “not we” buddies took the piss out of me and condemned me to die a virgin (each icon is 10x)

FrillyRating

PS: True story:
-Planet what?
-Sense-sphere. It’s from a Billy Hartnell Episode.
-Who?
-The First Doctor. From the 60s
-How’s that virginity thing working, Frillo, good?

Ahoogah! Next week.. Spud Baddies! …. which I reviewed in this post… I’m going backward, me being a rebel and all …

A quick visual guide to…

Doctor Who – The Sontaran Stratagem (2008 )

I liked it!

It’s a step better from Daleks in Manhattan (but hey, anything is, innit?), a bit silly and with a glorious “HELLO!” plot hole (use a fekkin’ brick, Doc, use your chav instincts!). The Sontarans are funkyduby dubious, the genius kid is properly stupid and evil and Unit are dipwads as always. I liked the cliffhanger a lot and music is a little less grating this time around.

Let’s go for the edited highlights.
- Are red berets the new red shirt?
- Did Joel Schumacher lit up the episode? Cool it with the mauve/purple lights, Jebus almighty!!
- That umbilical cord on the clones… nice to see the BBC reusing props from last week episode! (it’s the Ood brain connecter)
- “Your name is Trepo?” sounded like “Your name is Feepo?” AHOOGAH!
- WTF? Flashbacks already? Cool it, Rusty!
- Tate outacts Freema any day.
- Pwning a sontaran by racket ball? Fekkin’ class!

- The UNIT theme! Oh yeah, bitches!!
- Is there a BBC guideline where ALL human villains have to smirk? See Martha, the boy genius and the silly idiot from Human Nature/Family of Blood.
- GUNGED MARTHA! You can’t do that on TV?!
- The “hey, the car didn’t exploded!” had me in stitches. Same for the tennis/squatch/racquetball bit.
- I liked the Sontaran voices a lot, but the Victory Aerobics? No cigar.
- Producer Russell T. Davies (aka. Unca RTD)…. what the hell are you sniffing??!?!?! SHARE SOME YOU EVIL BASTIDD!!!

Now, the graphical breakdown:

Silly “women can’t drive” moments:

Murray Gold’s “quirky music” cues (in the hundreds):

Amount of rainforest acres destroyed to make the two actors playing the stupid UNIT soldiers:

Amount of rainforest acres destroyed to make a wooden actress like Freema Agyeman:

Amount of times you thought Daleks in Manhattan was bad because of Helen Raynor

Amount of times you thought Daleks in Manhattan was bad because of RTD

Appearance of the cool UNIT theme

Ewwww! moments!

Amount of times the Doc is scolded as bad influence

Feepo moments (each is ten)

Times “Diabolical Acting” used to denote evilness is reduced to smirking

FrillyRating?

Unca RTD says?
IT DELIVERS!!!

Extra captions!!!

WE DIDN’T LISTEN TO AL GORE!!!!

Please, don’t make me watch Torchwood’s Cyberwoman again! PLEASE!!!!

Series overview – Little Britain (2003)

Ahooogah y’all too… So, my editor (yes, we do have one… and he’s bribable! ) told me my FrillyReviews are waaaay to much of a chore to read…so I tolds him to go sod himself off, dig?

Sadly, he has better bodyguards than me. So instead of reviewing each episode of Little Britain, I’ll be doing a review on the sketches (which, if you take into account how Little Britain works, it’s the best approach, really).

I’ll bung the bastidds into four categories: Sketches that work, sketches that don’t work, the “thank Jebus they don’t repeat them too much” sketches and the “You have to be in the mood to like ‘em” sketches (which maybe applies to all of them…).

So, without any further ado…I’ll give ye my take on Series 1 of Little Britain!

Sketches that work

-Andy and Lou : I just love them! It’s a bit like Nyder and Davros in Genesis of the Daleks (wheelchair dictator, “can do” bespectacled follower), but funnier. I like the plain nuttiness of the jokes (even if they are VERY repetitive) but it cracks me up.

Are you sure you don’t want to watch Shaun of the Dead instead?

-Ray McCooney. The jokes about Scotland’s weather are funny. This sketch is very out there, with the wooden flute playing and all. “Maybe I do and maybe I don’t!” YEEEE-eeeEEEEEeee-SS! My fave is the one with “carrot cake, carrot cake.. have ye any nuts?”

AHOOOOGAH, b1tches!

-Sebastian and The PM – I liked this one a lot, but I guess it’s because it has Giles as the “straight man” (in more than one way). The prejokes with the cozzer outside are up for a quick chuckle.

Reading the scripts for season 8 of Buffy?

-Bad parents with sick kid – Sickengly brilliant. Loved Starsky’s (or was it Hutch?) reaction to them.

-Kenny Craig The hypnotist – Cracks me up everytime. Specially his date and then the scrabble with his mum!

How can a geezer with eye mascara get a date with a cute chick like that? THERE IS HOPE FOR ME!

-Vicky Pollard – i was going to tell you sumfink or summat but SHUDDUP!!! don’t believe the other ranters in this blog ’cause they lie and steal and change their babies for Westlife cds!

No but yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but… hey, there’s my thesaurus!

Sketches that don’t work

-Matthew Waterhouse sketch – bad seller, bad sketch. It’s mostly about an incompetent dude trying to sell some ham-fisted ideas…no thanks.

What? That I must be in a freighter with Cybermen?

-Emily Howard – A little hit and miss too. I think it was based on the Boy George parody from Rock Profiles. It gets overplayed on the next series and the humour is lost to me. Can’t really big up transvestite jokes that get played again and again.

-Bernard ChumleyWashed up actor – boring and overlong. Not funny at all. Actually, it is disturbing, so maybe that’s the point of it?

-The “EEEEh eeeh eeeeh” lady, Anne: Hey, does SNL know you are nicking their sh1t? Avoid.

Adam Sandler …how the mighty have fallen.

-Ed and Samantha – Teacher and student married. Went for too many obvious jokes. It isn’t that funny, maybe a chuckle or two. The first one was fantastic, though.

The “thank jebus they didn’t repeat this one enough!” sketches

-Mr Cleaves and the alumns at Kelsey Grammar – rapid jokes about a school. Most of them worked, and it wasn’t overplayed. Others are bit “uh?”.

-Mr Mann, Roy and his wife, Margaret. The premise is: Mr Mann wants something very very specific and hijinx follow in the store. This one is surreal and repetitive, but still made me laugh a bit…

-Peter Andre – quick one and weird. Stalking the Royal Family with no pants!

-Sandra and Ralph – overbearing parents, too true, too funny.

-Denver Mills – ex pro athlete, very mean, but funny. Never overplayed. The one about leper was mean!

-Liz and Clive Husband and wife Eve – Molly Sugden’s stalker. Born from the Rock Profile Prodigy sketch. It had actually an arc and it was played out on series 1, which is good, since it wouldn’t hold up if repeated any more. As it is, it’s chuckle worthy, with the finale making me go “for the lolz!”.

-Dame Sally Lazy writer – Used sparingly, thank Jebus. So, so. HOW MANY PAGES?

-The blackface Minstrels. Uh? Don’t get it….

Hey guys, if you see Spike Lee, run for your lives!

“You have to be in the mood to like ‘em” sketches

-Dennis Waterman – the giant props are funny, but that’s all. It would’ve worked as one or two joke, but it was crash and burn, really. I do enjoy prop comedy, but a lot of people I’ve showed this sketch just go “uh?”. There’s also the bit that since it’s mostly a parody of a british actor that isn’t really famous in Mexico, the joke might be a little lost in translation. Mind you, it’s a bit of a grower and probably I would put it up there with the “Sketches that work”. The sketch’s prop humour has been funny with a lot of my friends.

Doo doo do dodo DOOOO!

-Daffyd – Again, it’s the same joke, but still made me laugh. The one with the gay trekkies had me in stitches. This one really crashed and burned with my friends, who barely laughed with it.

-Des Kay Ex-tv-show presenter with the “where’s me breakfast?” gator – weird but fun. I think I’m laughing alone at this one.

Basil Brush you ain’t!

-The one with the mints as medicines – The NHS in action!! Boo yah!

-Piano player- so so laughs…but the one about Sainsbury’s felt like a cool inside joke for me… why do supermarkets close so early in England? :p

-Marjorie Dawes – The prejokes were the funniest from this one (the one with Jesus enjoying a toke with the disciples had me rolling). I think I’ve actually met weight losing people who are bastidds like Marjorie, who really try to undermine your self esteem. They can go fekk themselves up. I liked the sketch but hit a little close to home.

-Gary and Jason the Granny shagger… I kind of know people like this. Disturbing. The prejoke with the chav and an adult teaching him how to be a better ASBO cracks me up, though.

I’m not Sarah Jane Smith, dammit!

-Record setters – just a chuckle for the credits. And something nice to see while you listen to Tom Baker and his fantastic voice.

Tee hee.

DVD extras

I gotta tell you, I didn’t expect to have this much fun with the extras, but I think the “best of” Rock Profile was fantastic. To be honest, I think I got more laughs out of that than many of the sketches (specially the EH eh ehhhh! lady). My faves? Blur’s Damon Albarn gets tagged as a crazed pyromaniac, Bono is shown as an egomaniac dumbarse (wait? that’s not the real him?), the Bee Gees live under the iron hand of their elder brother (No Chambourcy hippopotamousse for you!!!).

The character playlist is funny, with my favorite (no surprise here) being Lou and Andy’s “crash the disc?” option. There’s some funny BBC 3 indents with plasticine worms replaying the sketches and the pilot of the series, which had some of the jokes re-used later.

Final words?

“Either that wallpaper or I go”.

But seriously, I bought the three little britain series for 10 pounds (boxset for the win!). This alone made it worth it (I will get unto the other series soon).

FrillyRating:

And now, a quickie clip :

Revies from a caffeinated window #9

Doctor Who – Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks (2007)

Reviewed by: FrillyShirtCyberman

The gist of it:

Ah, sorry, this story has no plot. None whatsoever. No, wait, there was a plot, somewhere around, but someone forgot to put it in the fridge and now it has gone bad. Very bad. Bad Doctor, no biscuit!

But seriously, it all starts with a promiscuous tosser and his shagpiece called “BBC actress doing stereotypical Noo Yahk accent to get back at hollywood for all those years of villains using British accents”. We’ll call her Stupid Blondie (SB) for short.

Lissen to me, booby, I ‘as Noo Yahk accent or summat, howzabout sum caw-fee and a Mets game? 

So,  after the  “obligatory kill before credits”  cold opening, we breeze through the snazzy opening titles that FLY TOWARDS YOUR SCREEN FASTER THAN A KAMIKAZE WII CONTROL! Or summat. Silly Doc Ten and PoFaced Companion (Is it cause I is black?) arrive at a badly rendered New York skyline. Note that although it’s the 30’s, there’s no King Kong or Harold Lloyd. HERESY!

My Intellivision has better graphics than this. FACT!

Ah, sorry, I’m feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling another of my moods coming. Please bear with me whilst I get something out of my way.

Oh noes!! Frilly drank another cuppa joe!

Thanks.

Anyhoo, Doctor TenSquee and SillyPoFaced Martha walk about for a while and two things came to mind: first, it’s nice to know that New York is desegregated in the 30s, ya know? And second, would somebody give me a bag of Cheetos? (I’ll explain this remark later).

In something less oblique, Doc and PoFaced Martha arrive to see some politically correct sh1t going on.

A character named Solomon: he takes bread and breaks it in half.. OH SUBTLETY, why have you forsaken us?

A little off topic: the cgi still sucks. And the scene is boring. I’m nitpicking. Cheetos, please?

Oh no! It’s… VANILLA SKY!!! Run before Tom Cruise kills Daleks with his Scientology powers!

So, while we get some quickie history lessons about the Depression and some stupid communist propaganda about sharing bread, we go near, no more than a Depression era unladen swallow away from the Hobo camp…to the construction site of the Empire State Building. Of course, those Wascally Pepperpots O’Evil (TM) are up to no good, paying Lucky Luciano’s lovechild top dollah to build the skyscraper. What for? CUE EVIL MUSIC (with overcompressed volume!)

That “View on top of the world restaurant” sure is a ripoff, thought the lovebirds dining at “The View”.

ANYWAYS, Lucky Luciano’s lovechild tells the construction workers to mount some Dalek panels on top of the building before tonight or they will sleep with the fishes. And get some cement shoes. And buy farms. Enough mafia clichés for you? They weren’t for the writer … or  the script editor that supposedly messed around this story.

Don’t sweat it, mate, no shame in using a toupee these days!
Meanwhile, Sir Arthur and Sir Bedevere were talking with the old man from scene 24. So we jump back to the Doc. It turns out there have been some people disappearing from the Hobo camps. Silly gooses! They are all at Toys ‘r’ us, stocking up on Depression-era Wiis! In a stupid plot development previously used in “Rise of the Cybermen”, some evil corporation dudes (see the “socialism rules, capitalism sucks” message shoehorned here??) come and recruit people around to work in the sewers. Buncha idiots… didn’t you see The Invasion or Attack of the Cybermen? There are baddies in the sewers!!

They are in the sewers. Quite a proper place for this story.

So they dawdle and fiddle do boodle a bit til they find a horrible dead nasty blob. But enough about McDonalds! They wander again for a while and the Doc finds some gooey goober.

A FOOOOCKING RUTAN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFES!! ZOMG!

Now, the Doctor just knows someone is going to get stinged, so he  preps some white vinegar (he’s been to the Great Barrier, y’know?) and prepares to douse the blobby thingie when a weird sound distracts them.

Ha ha…charade you are…

It turns out the Daleks employ man-pigs to do their dirty work. Probably from the Mexican Oil industry, y’know? So, they get trapped, escaped, trapped, escaped, trapped and then you gotta wonder: did they unearth some old Terry Nation script? Anyhoo, they escape (except some silly idiot that gets himself topped by tomorrow’s bacon). They miraculously end up in the same theater where Silly Blonde with bad accent works. She greets them THE CHICAGO WAY!

WHO WROTE THIS STORY, CONFESS!!!

So they go on and on with plodding exposition about a plot that makes no sense at all: the Daleks arrived in New York, masterminded the Empire State Building (funny, I don’t remember reading that on the plaque!) and employ some slick haired yahoo to do their bidding. And they kidnap humans and turn them into pig mutants that die quickly. What for? The lolz.

I can has pig slaves?

And while everything is explained to the viewer… What?  Geez… stop TALKING ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIVES AND GET ON WITH IT! What? Now they are talking about Rose?!? C’mon, let Bingo Billie Piper in her softcore show! Oh, not another companion pining for the Doc…Jebus almighty, please pull the plug on this lot.

Hey… she has a Rose on her hand…A ROSE!!! OH NO!!! SYMBOLISM!!!

So, let’s get on with it: they get captured AGAIN! It’s Planet of the Daleks all over again, except without ubercool Jon Pertwee or The Man The Legend (TM) Prentis Hancock!

They get rounded up, and scanned for intelligence. They scan people for intelligence with their plungers? Wow…just wow… You know? I truly believe Earth’s atmosphere is bad for the poor Daleks.. They hink Martha is intelligent!

A dumb assistant surrounded by pigs. 

Now the plo thickens (or so says the choral OOHS and AAHS that we get on the soundtrack). They are all brought to the presence of Bad Ass Dalek from a better story (TM). And it’s quite embarrassing ’cause they arrive while the Dalek was taking a shower. Please, this is a kid’s show!

Oi, mind me rastas, mon!

Ok, now it turns out that Lucky Luciano gets fused with Bad Ass Dalek and then turns into Lucky Dalekiano. Say what? Dalek fused with a human…that might…look…. *gasps!*

Eeeeewwww! It’s Jeff Goldblum!

Ahooooooooooooooooooooogahhhhh, B1tches!!!! (TM Feepo, the funniest poster in the Anorak Zone).

*CUE CLIFFHANGER*

Tee hee.

Thanks, Harold. We’ll take it from here.  So there’s this human/dalek hybrid and those racist Daleks go all “Guess who’s coming to dinner?” on us. So they plot against Lucky Dalekiano. Meanwhile, once Bad Ass Dalek and now Lucky Dalekiano pulls a Davros: he explains his plans to the Doctor! Idiot! Worst of all… he DARES to say that Davros was wrong! Calm there, little rastafarian buddy, don’t be dissin’ the wheelchaired one!

By the by… why is Lucky Dalekiano s..peaking…in..PAu…ses? Shatner he ain’t!

Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

So, the Daleks want to kill Lucky Dalekiano, which is their leader and then they… what will they do? Why do they keep killing their bosses? Don’t they have any long term plans? Didn’t they go with their college career advisor? Killing your boss without an “exit strategy” is a no-no!

Feepo has earwax!!!

By some stupid plot device, called “pulling a TerryNation”, they escape again. And then go back to Hobo camp and Solomon goes all Braveheart on us. Luckily, the Daleks are tired too of those stupid “inspirational speeches” and go Michael Bay on us!

I MEANT BUD LIGGGGHT!!!

Yeah! It turns into Pearl Harbor/Independence day! We should be grateful: David Tennant can outact both Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett with his right pinky tied to the sonic screwdriver.

Finally, an Explosive Fart of The Year (TM) winner!

So, the camp gets destroyed, the reggae Dalek is mixing some kool aid liquids and the Daleks and Pigslaves call it a day and go back to their lair. Notice that no one minds the carnage and destruction in Central Park. Let me repeat that in italics: explosions in central park are not noticed. Flying shiny robots are not seen. What is this? Mexico City?

Okay, move along, nothing to see here. The Doc decides to go back to Empire State Building. He has a plan. No idea what it is, but he has it. Skills: he lacks them. Adding idiocy to stupidity, he gives Martha the psychic paper…dude…you barely know her, don’t lend her the Gallifreyan Express credit card!

Argh.. will this stupid story will finish? The only thing keeping me watching is getting more screencaps for my blog! OKay, so the Doc goes down (*snicker*) and tries to talk to the Daleks.

Dissa my homies, mon!

They (obviously) betray former Bad Ass Dalek and chain him. The Doc escapes somehow, can’t remember what Davies Ex Machina he uses this time, to be honest. So he goes all Harry Lloyd on us and does some high wire hijinks.

Electric Boogaloo 3: Time lords in heat!

So, lemme get this: gamma rays behave like lightning and if you get hit by it nothing happens, you just doze off for a while. Uh?

I like Harry Lloyd. So?

Meanwhile, Martha, Silly Blonde and Piggy ExBoyfriend electrocut…ehrm, gammaraycute the pigslaves. The Doc just wakes up and they all go and watch “Spamalot” at the Shuber Theater. Sadly, it was pre-empted by  “Doctor Who and the seven keys of Doomsday”.

Oh no! It’s an Andrew Lloyd Webber salute to Daleks!

A lot of humandalekzombies arrive with some conveniently “ready-to-use” Dalek Tommy guns. WTF? Wow, do you think the Daleks just went to some mob meeting and asked real nicely to get some Dalek guns (where did they got them from? WHERE were they hiding them? Wait, don’t answer) retrofitted into Tommy Guns?

This is getting too silly. Wrapping it up: everyone dies except the Doc, his bint and measly Dalek who teleports at ludicrous speed into Series 4. And away we go!

 Rant:

What? You didn’t have enough of my ramblings? Okay. This story was bad. REAL BAD. First time I saw it, I had two bags of cheetos, so maybe I gave it a good rating because the MSG clouded my vision. Boy, what a sobering experience is to watch this, clean and sober from Chester Cheetah!

So, I’ll keep the ranting to minimum and tell you everything on the noble tradition of silly screencaps!

First of all: dodgy accents. WTF? Bottom of the barrel, I tells ya!

Datsa rite, bodhi! I spicksa real tuff Broun-cks. Now let’s go for a pint and some crisps, wicked, eh? Plot holes galore! It didn’t made sense and the usually ropey but fun bad science goes into “are you taking the mick, son?” territory!

Oooh that looks that screams: STOP POINTING PLOT HOLES TO OTHER VIEWERS! 

Yo, who wants out of this sh1tty serial?

Martha was dismayed to see the “brilliant sushi place” the Doc promised her…

The Human/Dalek zombies…. wow, no one noticed so many people disappearing? And how in the heck did they get so fast into the theater? And if Coward Dalek that Survives (TM) has a “kill all humans now!” button ready, why does he let the human hybrids kill out the other two daleks? For the lolz?

The Untouchables: Cardiff.

The only good thing of the shootout? FINALLY we see Daleks exploding! Finally! BOO YAH!

Harsh way to get heckled off stage, innit?

More evidence of dodgy science and ignoring conventions the show already established? How about this: The Doc can use his sonic magic wand to restore someone into a paving slab, but he can’t fix some dude’s face? C’mon, call Wacko Jacko’s plastic surgeon and get on with it!

Dump ‘im, girl, he’s a real pig!

All in all, a terrible story. Bad effects, bad casting, bad choices, bad over the top music. I gotta say this, though: Helen Raynor’s script was meddled with, no question. Hope her Sontaran 2-parter in series 4 fares better than this piece of dross. Avoid this Evil-ution!

Frillyrating:

Did somebody asked for extra captions?

I SAID BUD LIGHT, DAMMIT! 

Please, let us out of this stupid story too!!!

Reviews from a caffeinated window #8

Doctor Who – The Mind Robber (1968)

Reviewed by: FrillyShirtCyberman

The Gist of it:

The Doc, Jamie and Zoe (in some fab 60’s gear) are threatened by a Fiery Foam o’ Death (TM) passing as lava, so they just scurry back to the TARDIS and ride it out. Turns out the Foamy Lava (which would be a great name for an Ubuntu Linux distribution) is messing up the TARDIS (and scratching the paint, d-yaamn! It was a custom job paid by Xzibit!!).

This is what lava looks like in Ibiza!

While everyone panics about, the Doc (played perfectly by The Mighty Patrick Troughton) just presses a button and the TARDIS escapes. Sadly, the button was marked “Pull a Wiley E. Coyote”, so they end up in the ACME equivalent of limbo.

Stupid surplus parts!

The Doc goes and pulls his old copies of “Popular Gallifreyan Mechanic” (the jiggery pokery issue, of course) and starts fixing around the place (i.e. connecting and disconnecting cables, soldering, pressing ctrl-alt-del, you name it). In the meantime, Zoe changes to a catsuit seemingly made from decorative beads and Jamie uses the TARDIS Top Shop generator to fix himself some gear.

Jamie, do you know what a “sexual harassment” subpoena is?

Sadly, with great clothes come great responsibilities: they are both afflicted by a horrible, terminal disease, called “Stupid Companion Syndrome”. Both get tempted to open the doors of the TARDIS when The Doc explicitly told them it was a no-no (in the same scale as they can’t look at the bookmarks on his browser or check his latest buys in iTunes).

It was Jamie visiting “those sites”, Zoe, not me.

Anyhoo, they both vie for that “Darwin Award” and open the doors and end up in a big white void (played by Texas). Everything goes a bit trippy and they are menaced by some Kinder Surprise lookin’ robots that I THINK hypnotize them. Meanwhile, the Doc gets some bad headaches (watching Pokemon, of course) and is having a rest, but he’s so damn unstoppable that just pops some Tylenol and rescues the two silly companions. They depart but in the way the TARDIS turns into a model that…explodes!!!

Damn you, Krazy Kola!!!

Ah, but they are all fine and dandy. Well, no. More Kinder Surprise monsters start attacking them, take yer pick: silly tin soldiers, medusa, the minotaur and even Adam West!

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na … KARKUS!! I wonder if he’s climbing a wall and someone pops out of a window to make some silly joke.

Jamie gets a new face and Zoe decides she doesn’t want to be intelligent and spends the rest of the story screaming, nay, shrilling about. For their troubles, they both get squashed into a book or summat, like leaves put to dry.

I know some books feel like a chore whilst reading them… but this is ridiculous!!

Meanwhile, no more than a fictional swallow’s flight away, The Doc encounters some creepy children, some ropey sets and finally, some dude that looks like a bureaucrat.

Oh no! Gimme back my Magic cards, you ASBO chavs!

Turns out the whole place exists only because Evil Bureaucrat is imagining the place. Y’know, I had the suspicion that Bugs Bunny was evil and mean, but this is ridiculous! It’s like that old cartoon when he’s just drawing about on Daffy (who is in a white painted hell too).

Ain’t I a little stinker? Tee Hee.

Before it gets even sillier, both Evil Bureaucrat (who is called The Master….with a beard and all!!!) and The Doc use some machines to fight in what looks like the 60s version of Mad Libs. They end up writing some drivel, which distracts the Master (EB) from Zoe and Jamie, who have snook around. They just unplug the machine, everything unravels and they are back at the TARDIS. Uh? Man, and I thought Alice in Wonderland had the cop-out rushed ending prize.

“I write this magazine called “Greatest Cop-out endings ever!” and this kid from Wales called Russell T. Davies says he likes my stuff”.

Ladies and Gentleman, we have a winner!

Rant:

Ah, the much maligned sixth year. Dunno why it gets so much stick. Granted, Krotons and Dominators are not stone cold classics, but then again, not all of them can be it. It’s not a rehash of season’s five weekly Base Under Siege formula (well, Seeds of Death is, but I like the formula) but surely is a bunch of different stories: alien invasions, space dramas, rage against authority, etc.

Funky robots and The Mighty Trout.

And then there’s this story, a veritable head-scratcher. Metafiction? Last minute cheapie replacement? Pantorific exercise? I think it’s all of them. Which I don’t mean as a slight, though. I like the creepy, downright unsettling atmosphere from ep. 1 (which inspires the Tom Baker ubercool romp Warriors’ Gate, IMHO) and there’s a very low-sounding music in episode 3 (when they are at the Minotaur’s maze) which is frickin’ cool and haunting.

Medusa is vanquished with a Take That CD. The Doctor sure likes to go for an overkill…

Plot wise, the story is fascinating: they are trapped in ( I don’t want to use the term, since it’s from South Park) Imaginationland!!! Where’s Eric Cartman, yo? Ehrm, well, got it out of my system, reload review now! Okay, they broke any time/space barriers and are in a realm made of imagination (that’s my take, though), where a massive brain controls everything about. Such brain needed an imaginative person to function (the Master, who used to be a writer). Now, said Master is nearing the end of his life and it wants a replacement. Cool story! I like the little pastiche of different literary characters (Rapunzel, Gulliver, the Batman-like Karkus), which reminded me of Alan Moore’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, a fantastic comic I heartily recommend.

Whoa! Pantene Pro-V really makes hair stronger!

The Mighty Trout (Patrick Troughton for us mere mortals) acts a little different here, but his funny quips are still present (he acts like a child in ep 5, but it’s very funny!). The Master (Emrys Jones) is cackling, but I like his “I’m being used” approach. Fake-Jamie Hamish Wilson does good and his thick accent goes perfect. Kudos for him replacing Fraser Hines (who fell ill during recording).

Och, Doc! You changed me good looks!

Now, my only problem with the serial is… Zoe!!! Yeah, she looks nice and acts the part very good… but why is she reduced to “Scream Queen” here? She just reads numbers and screams… what’s this, an 80’s serial? Thank Jebus, it’s only in this story, since she’s up to her geeky ways in the next serial, the fantastic “The Invasion”.

Is this what they refer to “bottling up your emotions”? BOOM BOOM!

A bit which took me out a bit but I still enjoyed… KUNG FU ZOE!!!

The Doc and Zoe regret taking a vacation in Mexico.

She’s just setting a precedent for Pertwee’s HAAAAAI – YAAAH! action. Skills – She has them.

Now, the DVD is flippin’ loaded with goodies and the picture quality is brill. I liked the documentaries about Fraser Hines’ time on the show and specially the story behind the troubled times which beset season 6 of Doctor Who, which are explained a bit more detailed on the fantastic Evolution of the Invasion documentary (on another DVD…review coming real soon-ish!). My favorite bit of the DVD? BASIL BRUSH!!!! The one and only!

THE YEEEETII IS A MAN’S BESSSTT FRIEEEEND

Anyhoo, an enjoyable romp, not the best in season 6, but a notable effort, with a different story that is great. Fantastic music and cool atmosphere reign supreme here.

Frillyreview:

Extra captions!!!

Stupid neighbours are up to it again! Damn these thin walls!

Ah, this Wii set up is sweet!

Yes, you’ll be invited again to the show. Now please point that in another direction, my good man.

Unicorns? Oh no! DECKARD IS A REPLICANT!!!

Reviews from a caffeinated window #7

Doctor Who – 42 (2007)

Reviewed by: FrillyShirtCyberman

The Gist of it:

It all starts with the Doc upgrading Po-Faced Silly Bint Companion (or PFSBC for short) mobile phone… probably a quick switch from Orange to Virgin, because let’s face it: Orange’s roaming is hard on the pockets!

The new Nokia, with funky lights.

Anyways, Doc TenSquee and Companion who wants to Shag Him (PFSBC) receive a distress signal. Sadly, it turned out it was just the Doctor downloading “Sunshine” and “Event Horizon” from the internet, so they had to run from the MPAA (man, are those bastards hard or what?!)

The mexican metro was a great place to get pirate copies.

So they stowaway on this nice little comfy ship (The Palomino, i think), which is being pulled into the sun, Planet of Evil style (insert Prentis Hancock joke). Since he ain’t no Tom Baker, he gets separated from the Tardis and has to use his wits for once. Also, he decides not to go and randomly hug captains this time about or talking about “hoooo-mans rulz! lolz!” in a squeaky voice.

It’s Ridley Scott’s fault that all spaceships are dirty and grungy, you know?

No siree bob! This is The Doctor, in hard-ass mode. Watch yourself, stupid Helios, this Scottish dude is out for blood.

Hold him! He wants to see “Love and Monsters” again!

Okay, so while sending PoFacedCompanion to help out carry the shopping bags of the nice looking dude (hey, I’m straight, but gota admit the dude was a charmer!), the Doc gets all serious and sh1t and starts doing some hard work, investigating why the hell the ship is going faster than a mexican Microbus O’Muerte (TM).

Ah, just get ONE illegal copy in your life and the 5-0 is all over you. Damn!

Also, there’s someone sabotaging stuff around. Quick, start searching for Reinhardt or his rubbish floating robot! It turns out that there’s something spooky on the ship, killing the crew one by one. Did Alex Garland co-wrote this with Chris Chibnall?

So, fellas, should we retrieve Cillian Murphy while we are at it?

Anyhoo, PoFaced Martha and the nice looking dude (i swear i’m straight) go through some doors coded with pub quiz style questions. Luckily, her phone had WAP, so she just went to Wikipedia and solved the problem, quick-snap.

So, waddaya say, girl? Drop the scottish git for a welsh geezer?

Meanwhile, no more than a scorched swallow flight’s away, The Doc, Scruffy crewman and Captain Shady find the remains of the ship’s doctor and some k.d. lang style mechanic. It turns out that there’s this evil sun-spirit roaming the ship, possessing people and killing them. The evil sun-spirit gets another crewmate possessed (see? he went to those management courses where you share responsibilities! Stephen Covey for the win!) and Martha and the nice looking lad get themselves on a escape pod, shot into the sun.

He wanted a hot getaway, but now this is ridiculous.

The Doc won’t have any of that and puts some 10000 SPF sunblock lotion (with gallifreyan aloe) and rescues PoFaced companion and Nice Looking Dude. The bad part is he gets AlexGarlan’d by the evil sun-spirit and starts chasing people away. That is until DumbArse companion figures the best way to help him is to get him freeze dried.

Oh, shiny!

Ok, Martha, please stop ripping Planet of Evil, okay? Silly female dog!

Anyhoo, the Doc is popsicle’d, the last doors are opened and Captain Shady and her possessed husband go for one fiery last shag. Talk about Club Med, it’s more like Club Dead!

Is it too crass to make another “fiery” or “hot” joke with this?

Tee hee, it all ends well, Nice looking lad kisses Martha and Scruffy crewmember justs sits around. The Doc gives a spare Tardis key to PoFaced Martha in a “Thankyou Massa!” moment that was just plain stupid.

If you pay attention to the background, someone is getting jealous.

Oh, and Martha’s mum sells them out to some g-men. B1tch.

I’m in ur forum, banning ur users.

Rant:

Oooh boy, did I have fun with this light-plotted one! Chibnall’s scripts for Torchwood were variable, but here he does excel himself. True, the premise can be done in just one line, but the execution, oh man, Graeme Harper has a fantastic tooth for this kick paced stuff.

Someone’s been watching Pyramids of Mars…

I felt like the whole story was like those 3 final minutes from Caves of the Androzani, when Davo is going to crash land. Yup, Mack Daddy Davo was so hard-ass he crashed to saved Peri. And that “quick quick run!!” pace is kept magnificent around. He abuses a bit with amber and purple lights, but it’s more of a signature than a bad lightning choice. It spelled “hazard lights!” and I was grateful for it.

The Doctor here is played in school Doctor-ish way: using his head to solve problems around, almost no sonic screwdriver and depending on people around him to get stuff done. I like the subtle moment when Doc Tensquee thinks he might not make it out alive and starts to hurriedly explain to Martha about a regeneration.

No more Nando’s extra spicy chicken or Mole for this man! Quick, bring some milk!

Martha is better played around here. Thank Jebus we are spared of those “I want him, nooooow!” moments that appear on other serials, and I appreciate it. She’s thoughtful, scared and helping, like a good companion should do.

As much stick I give to Murray Gold’s “Hans Zimmerian” music, here it works wonders, specially the ominous bass song before the Doc gets frozen (which itself gets kicked up a notch with Tennant’s painful yelling…whoa, watch the lungs, dude!)

No! No more Avril Lavigne, Spice Girls or Take That, please!

The bit players are that: just disposable characters, but the actors playing them did a good and deserve to take a bow. The CGI was excellent and the sets were “grungy space adventure” which are fine by me.

Oh noeees! We is gettin’ sued! Danny Boyle does not forgive! (beautiful shot, by the way)

All in all, a flippin’ enjoyable romp which gets repeated viewings from me. A nice change of pace from those “safe” stories, which show how good is to have a variable format in this program. Take a bow, Graeme Harper!

Frillyrating:

Extra captions:

Ehrm, mate, by “burn with me” do you mean you have some free ganja you want to share?

Little Skaro?

“Are you sure those are the Thals you want to exterminate?”
“Yes”
“Are you sure you don’t want pity on your new daleks?”
“Yeah!”
“If they turn against you, they won’t have pity! Remember you said that total hate led to destruction, annihilation and sorrow?”
“Yeah, I know!”
“So, are you sure you want to put the “no pity” gene? Don’t you want a “hover stairs” gene?”
“I want THAT one!”
“No pity it is, then!”
“I don’t like it. And I look a pillock!”

Reviews from a caffeinated window #6

The Five Doctors (1983)

Reviewed by FrillyShirtCyberman

 

The Gist of it:

(Note: After some doing my homework, I found out this version I saw is the “Special Edition” from 1999, i.e. a bastardized remix which would make Unca George Lucas proud. Fekk that… TOM BAKER SHOT FIRST, YOU HEARS ME?!?!?)

 

It all starts with William Hartnell, giving his classic speech from “Dalek Invasion of Earth”. My first thoughts were “ah, sh1t, I downloaded the wrong serial!”. But then Davo’s theme came aboot and I was relieved. I was in for a treat, not a bore-o-gram like Dalek Invasion of Earth.

This is the only part of that story which is good.

 

I was in for a surprise. Not a “yeah, sendit has another sale!” surprise but a “what’s this? A center for ants?” surprise.

 

He was caught drawing Kate Winslet. Naughty boy.

It all starts with the Doc, the Ginger Adric and The Stewardess from hell in a planet that looks a bit like Plas Brondanw in Wales (is Russell T. Davies watching?). He gets some bad acid reflux (damn mole verde!). Why is he so sick? His two companions get him quick-snap inside the TARDIS, looking for some gallifrey pepto and all.

“Quick! Get me some ring of fire towelettes!” shouted the Doc. Damn curry!

 

Meanwhile, The Brigadier, not more than a swallow’s flight away from them (an unladen swallow, mind you), is ready to get some award or summat, when His Holiest Trout, The Second Doctor, arrives dressed like a drag queen from Antartica. Wtf, mate? They go out and chat for a while, reminiscing about old times when they get Troutnapped by an Evil Swirlie o’Death (TM).

“And I thought MY special effects were bad!” laments The Mighty Trout.

 

Even closer than farther, good ol’ Richard Hundall is practicing his bit part in Dead Ringers, all dressed like Billy Hartnell… sadly, he also gets McFlurryed into time and space.

It’s the 99p whippy o’death!

 

We cut into a room with Baddie of the week. We know he’ bad because:

a)      He has dark gloves.

b)      He cackles more than Anthony Ainley.

c)      The idiot is taking out his Corgi collectible figurines of the Doctors. Idiot, doesn’t he know they lose value OUT of their original package?

Oops, wait, those aren’t Corgi collectibles! They are… The Doctor’s past regenerations (where’s Cushing, yo?). We go back to Jon Pertwee, driving recklessly through the countryside. Green cross, Jon, green cross. SPLINK! Anyhoo, he gets swirlied out too.

SPLINK this, wankers!

 

That leaves us with The Drunk Doctor (Tom Baker!!!) and Richard Dawkins’ shagpiece, Romana. They are enjoying some punting in Cambridge when the Swirlie o’Death comes from them. Sadly, since Tom Baker was PUI (punting under the influence), his ginified breath gets the Swirlie drunk on the fumes and they just get lost.

Now, Romana, if you see those stupid kids from Chocky, zap them!

 

Back to Davo in the Tardis, he starts to vanish, but pulls himself together and they arrive at Mordor, ehrm, Gallifrey’s Death Zone. In the distance they can see Barad Dur, ehrm, Rassilon’s tower.

No, Brigadier, we are not waiting for Ian McKellen

 

Then it’s on! The Docs race towards the Tower, in what seems to be an abridged version of It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad Gallifrey (with Milton Berle in drag as Sarah Jane). We get it all: Sarah Jane falling a massive slope of, dunno, 15 cm, Susan tripping and hurting her ankle, K9 warning and not being heard, The Master being sent to help the Doctor, Timelords plotting, Daleks exploding, Cybermen getting whacked off by a ninja robot, Turlough editing wikipedia articles in the Tardis. Geeze, they just needed the kitchen sink and a Yeti.

Oops, spoken too soon.

See? A furry screaming monster with a bad temper. 

 

Anyhoo, Davo gets ported to Gallifrey, chats with the Timelords and one of bureaucrats turns out to be a traitor. He gets the “Mexican treatment”: shot while trying to “escape”. Anyways, Doc 3 and Sarah Jane do some daring do stuff and gets to the top of the Isildur’s Tower. Doc 2 just scurries around and sneaks with the Brig. Doc 1 and Annoying Bitch (Tegan) just walk through the door. Senior Citizen’s card, you know? The Master, tired of no one accepting his help, decides to save them from the Cybermen and plays hopscotch over the same trap that was used in Exxilon. Where’s Bellal?

Hopscotch. Exxilon rules.

 

They all reunite at the tomb of Rassilon, where the One ring is in a half-chewed hobbit finger. Ah, family entertainment.

The Social Security forms in Gallifrey are pretty undecipherable. 

 

Meanwhile, more than a unladen swallow flight away, Doctor Davo (the 5^th, if you are counting) finds the real Baddie o’The Week. This dastardly villain uses his evil powers (a mix cd of Westlife and Take That) to put Davo under hypnosis. Then they meet at the tomb of Rassilon.

I took your toys and trashed the cards! They are worthless now! BWAHAHA!

 

Wait, he could teleport there? Wtf? Why all the charade? Really, let me stress this in a Shatneresque way: They. Had a. Tele. Porter. Inside RassiLONS. Toooommmb!!! KAAAAHN! Ah, anniversary special, ok, I’ll shut my pie hole. Baddie o’The Week gets his hand on the ring, but then is devoured by Gollum, ehrm , gets turned into a stone slab and… hey, did Russell T. Davies saw this one???

The scene that did all the damage in young Russell’s mind.

 

Chancellor Flavia arrives with UNIT to arrest them all. The rest of the Doctors are returned to their eras, with some quick banter and all. Davo is relieved that this stupid serial is over and teleports to a better adventure, Warriors of the Deep. Oh, boy, he’s gonna be pissed…

 

Rant:

 

I tried not to be too harsh on this one, since it’s a “celebration romp” more than a proper story, but still, damn! Unca Tewwance was sleep at the wheel on this one. Ok, so getting the surviving actors around was nice, and the “companions as ghosts” was a good quickie bit too (Liz Shaw! Jamie! Zoe! Yates!), but the story can be summed in just one line: they need to get to the tower. The rest is just like a greatest hits album that you are too embarrassed to admit you own.

I’ll see you in twenty or so years, when you are a Scotsman with a whiny blonde.

 

There are bits which I liked, though. The Raston Robot going ninja on the Cybermen is the bee’s knees, Troughton being his kooky self always makes up for the bad writing and Richard Hundall filling up for William Hartnell (who left this reality in ’75) were all great stuff in this rather pedestrian effort.

Et Tu, Larry, Moe and Shemp?

 

 I think there was this original idea, where every Doctor got trapped and The Mighty Troughton saved the day, but can’t remember for the life of me where I read. I think it got reworked partially into what became The Two Doctors. Doctor-wise, Troughton is class as always. Pertwee feels a little bored with the little he has to do (but the bantering with Troughton is class!). Hundall has the hard task to replace William Hartnell and although he doesn’t do all the classic mannerisms, he still pulls through. Davison does little too, but still is a class act.

 The companions are just there, I think the only one who I was interested in was K-9 and his in less than a minute! The Castellan just overreacts his “NOT THE MIND PROBE!!” and why he doesn’t regenerate after being shot is never explained. Borusa’s regeneration is not explained, but is used to explain his crux. The Brig was better in Mawdryn Undead, if you ask me.

 Now, The Master is now innocent of the charges of “Another contrived 80’s plan of the Master”, but still gets sadly wasted. He’s promised a new set of regenerations by those dirty steeeeenkin’ Timelords, goes out to do his duty and what happens? No one believes him! Heck, even Doc 3^rd is a bastidd towards him. Awww, poor Master, we still luvs ya! Worst than all, he gets bitchslapped by the silly Brigadier! Worst of all, he gets roped by two useless bints. It’s a sad day to be a nemesis, I tells ya!

Clocked by the silly Brigadier…

… trapped by two annoying companions… it sucks to be a baddie in the 80s.

 

The effects were okay-ish if you consider the time and age when it was made. Nothing spectacular, but nothing to write home about either. I think the only that sticks out like a sore thumb is how the Time Scoop changed from “Negative Zone” to “Swirlie o’Death/Whippy/McFlurry”. Both look unconvincing and terrible, but what do I know? I’m a useless bastidd addicted to CGI.

He’s not amused with the effects. Welcome to the club, mate.

 

One thing that bothered me, though… If the Timelords offer The Master a shiny new set of regenerations, then why doesn’t Baddie o’the Week gives himself a nice, super-sized serving of regenerations?

All in all, it’s a semienjoyable romp if you are in the mood. If you aren’t, take Horror of Fang Rock out for a spin: it’s Unca Tewwance Dicks’ best.

 

Frillyrating:

Reviews from a caffeinated window #5

Chocky’s Challenge (1985)

Reviewed by: FrillyShirtCyberman

The gist of it:

Matthew is hit by puberty and can’t make it around, so it’s up to now-blonde Albertine and tray-carrying Prentiss “Don’t autocensor me please!” Hancock to save the universe!

The man! The legend! He of Omega Factor fame! Oh, and Prentiss Hancock too…

Albertine is doing quite well in Cambridge. She’s being tutored by a nice man, called Professor Chronotis. She hacks around and moves the satellite dishes to look for Chocky’s homeworld. Meanwhile, this ratbag scientist, Dr. Liddle (Lalla Ward) is furious and goes to talk to Prof. Chronotis. She’s mad because when Albertine fiddled with the satellite dishes, she kind of killed her shagpiece, pictured here:

Why, Albertine, why????

Albertine gives a big conference to get a grant and then is questioned by Prof. Chronotis and two other silly old Cambridge tweed-wearing fellas. Since they aren’t believing her, she conjures up Chocky and they all pony up the money. Wait, didn’t Chocky said that she didn’t want to endanger kids anymore and stop it with the public appearances? File under: congruence, lack of.

Chocky has the subtlety of Colin Baker’s sixth Doctor uniform, methinks. 

Getting two more kids into the project, they manage to create an energy thingie that looks like a bad 80’s lamp. The military (led by a Carry On dude in a drag) are interested in the lamp/golf ball thingie, so they sent Captain Yates to befriend the kids.

Baddies with cute dogs. Oi, check out the name of the store behind them! Prentissssssss!

Another kid, called Cousin Oliver, arrives and helps out with the project. His manner of helping out is a bit like Adric helping the Doctor. See what I did there? Instead of reviewing Chocky, I’m still bitching about season 18 of Dr. Who. Let me get it out of my system.

I’m sorry, mate.  I didn’t meant to kill Tom Baker.

That’s more like it. Anyways, the kids make a cool looking lamp that looks suspiciously like a Sontaran Spacechip. Prentiss Hancock drops a tray with food, tea and crumpets (unforgiveable) when the kids manage to create a mag lev jumpy castle. In a Charles Dickensian twist, Cousin Oliver turns out to be Dr Liddle’s son and gets himself and Chocky kidnapped (and aliennapped).

Chocky: Electric Bogaloo!

Albertine and the two other Benetton kids join forces with Matthew to rescue Cousin Oliver. They are also helped by Chocky’s dad/parent/thingie. They go back to the stars, while the kids, Prentiss Hankock and Matthew’s dad go out for some kebabs and some XTC records.

Oi, where’s Irongron, yo?

Rant:

Holy Samurai-Pizza-Cats-watchin’ Jebus! Where do I start? Why bother using Andrew Ellams face in the beginning? He’s barely on the series. We could draw a parallel with the Matrix trilogy, you know? First one has the main dude (Neo and Matthew) getting ahold of their new found powers. Second one has Neo and Matthew being kewl with their powers and doing some crazy zany stunts to save their loved ones (David Geffen and Albertine, respectively). Part three has Neo and Matt doing flip-all and being replaced by a bunch of bad actors not doing anything.

Exactly how I felt while watching this series.

Heck, to continue the analogy, Chocky’s challenge and Matrix Revolutions have probably the same amount of plot, which is zilch, nada, zero. It’s padded like a cheerleader’s bra.

This is humour for the series. Hardy har har.

The other Chockychildren are one bit dudes: the little kid from USA is black, does break dance moves and speaks in “american” accent. The girl from Hong Kong is wise. That’s all they get. Prentiss Hancock is only around to carry the food for the kids and drop it occasionally. Chocky seems to be appearing every episode, just to forget about that “subtle” approach she was going to try.

Things like these make Political Correctness happen, you know?

The military angle is even boring. The villains get zero screen time, so you can’t relish their BWA HA HA moments like you did on series 2 with The Mighty Ed Bishop. In series 1, the villains didn’t get any real screen time, but the actions (syringes! kidnapping! OMFG!!) speak loud. In part three, they just talk a lot on their walkie talkies, kidnap kids and then go scared and are arrested. By UNIT.

The Benneton  Chocky’s children.

The series never went for the cheap laughs in the first two series, but in this one, they even do a “spectator on a bike goes into the water after watching something” bit which is really groan inducing. Where are the pies in the face, yo?

Hey, dude, can you retrieve the plot and dignity of the series while you are down there? Cheers.

IMHO, this was a very unnecesary sequel. i don’t recall having watched it as a child (i did remember series 1 and 2) and if I did, then I guess I should thank myself for clearing my memory banks… I’ll stop this now before I gets nasty, mon.

Frillyrating:  

Extra captions:

Oh no! The kids are watching me in Planet of Evil! I’m ruined! RUINEEEEED!

I’m in ur forum, banning ur users.

Reviews from a caffeinated window #4

Doctor Who: Arc of infinity (1983)

Reviewed by: FrillyShirtCyberman

The gist of it:

The story starts with Traitor to Be chatting with Big Headed Baddie. They talk about technobabble and then propose to take over the Doc (ooh, scary!). Cue to other two technicians, who are snooping about, discover the conversation and report. Wow, Gallifrey and the US Department of Home Security have a lot in common.

It’s Manga Kahn and L-Ron!

Cue to The Doc and Nyssa, being happy that Tegan got left behind. So happy that they don’t even mention her. Nice going, guys, your award for “friend of the year” arrives with your new costumes. The Tardis is attacked by an Evil Swirlie o’Death and Slo-mo (TM) which has the power to overlay the image of Big Headed Baddie over The Doc.

Davo’s face says everything. He would. Right now.

This is when I stop the DVD, go and select the new CGI effects and go back. Oooooh, shiny!

The Doc and Nyssaconcubine are recalled to Gallifrey. There’s a plot about and The Doc’s life is in danger. So naturally, The Timelords, being wise aliens and all, decide that the best option is to execute the Doctor, so he will be safe of Big Headed Baddie.

Brings the term “fancy dress” a whole new meaning…

I check out the sleeve. Written by the fella of Keeper of Traken. Ah, that explains everything.

The T-lords (sounds like a rap group) tell Doctor-to-be, Colin Baker, to shoot Davo so he can become the next Doctor. He does so, prompting the universe to the evilness of “The Twin Dilemma”.

Colin Baker delivers Peter Davison his pink slip.

The Doc accepts his fate, while chatting with Nyssa and Leela’s husband, Damon (no relation to Mr. Adrian Sherlock). Before the execution, Nyssa goes gangsta-gangsta on us, shooting Colin’s band of thugs and trying to save the Doc, who tells her “bad Nyssa”, smacks her bottom and goes happily to be executed.

Brainy genius or shoot-em-up girl? Alicia Keys needs to watch her back…

At the same time, some nitwits replay “An american werewolf in london”, but in Amsterdam. They are cheapskates and decide to sleep in a crypt. Nice going, dudes. The one with the Ghastly Socks o’ Green Death (TM) gets zapped by a Robot Chicken (played by Seth Green), just for being fan of garish fashion. His friend sees this and does the obvious thing: go and beat the dealer that sold them the hashish and pot at bar. Man, those things can give you a bad trip.

Attack of the 80’s tacky fashion sense.

The friend gets some survivor’s guilt and goes to check on his friend (or maybe to get his wallet, y’never know). He finds he’s become a zombie after being forced to watch Eastenders. So he hightails it to the airport, only to meet with disaster there: Tegan is back (cue cliffhanger music).

We feel your pain, man. We are watching this serial too, you know?

Meanwhile, those crazy old farts, the T-lords, find that the Doc wasn’t really killed. Isn’t that like being a little pregnant, guys? Nice efficiency, no wonder the Daleks whoop yer bottoms in the Time War!

Here, Colin, the BBC’s 5-year contract to play Dr. Who. Now kill Davo!

The Big Headed Baddie is revealed to be Omega, who just wants to live. Awww, poor fella. Here’s a hug. Now, grow a pair and live your life, mate! The Doc tries to do a deal with the T-lords, when the Traitor to Be is revealed: it’s the Celestial Toymaker. Gee, the T-lords are really thick, aren’t they? They have a quintessential baddie (and ex-butler to Bruce Wayne and ex-shagger of Polly) amongst them!

What did you just said about Anneke Willis?

Trigger happy Colin arrives and in the midst of the confusion, thinks it’s “Attack of the cybermen” and shoots Traitor to Be/Alfred/Toymaker dead. Omega reveals itself and announces that he has “pwned” them all. The Doc insists in going to Amsterdam. The T-lords agree, thinking that going on a weed spree would be a nice way to say goodbye to the galaxy.

Ok, Nyssa, we gotta score some gear and some special “brownies”.

Davo runs around in the canals and goes into the crypt o’ convenience. He’s about to save Tegan (please, don’t) when Robot Chicken Ergon attacks him. Luckily, trigger-happy Nyssa sets her phaser to “extra crispy” and blasts the dretched thing into oblivion. Meanwhile, Omega’s plastic surgery works out and now looks like Lady Killer Davo.

It’s the chicken o’death!

The plot forgets about Tegan’s cousin and friend and they all run around for ages. Lady Killer Davomega walks around a bit and starts to go all Quatermass Experiment on us (without Gatiss, thank Jebus). After more running, Nyssa’s violence finally permeates into Mack Daddy Davo, who shoots Omega down. And they call Colin Baker a violent Doctor?

Don’t smoke pot and watch this, kiddies…

Everyone is happy at the end (except Omega and the general public). Then Tegan says “strewth, Doc, now you are mine, all mine!”. It turns out it was the Master, all along… (cue cliffhanger music)

Rant:

I dunno why this story gets so much bad press from so many fans. Granted, it’s slow and Amsterdam is milked for all it’s worth (mind you, i think they filmed all in 3 blocks, tops). Johnny Byrne does have some great ideas and they ooze through the plot. Nice to see some Frankenstein homages and Peter Davison does pull it off. His face of wonder/sadness while he’s playing Omega is fantastic.

Late for the fancy dress party…

It really makes you feel bad for Omega, even if he’s deranged enough to work with a deadly chicken. He granted the Timelords the technology to time travel and what does he get for his troubles? Eternal loneliness. No bottle of cider or gold rolex! Not even a pink slip!

He had the kid hacking the cable box to get some HBO. Alas, they only got CSPAN and FOX NEWS in the antimatter ship.

Colin B and Michael Gough do great jobs with their parts. I really like the coldness in Colin’s Maxil. He’s just following orders, and when he gets a hint of something not being right, he keeps snooping around. He’s like something out of The Sweeney! Michael Gough has little screen time, but his arguments about defending Omega are good. “He’s one of us!”

C’mon, man! Nyssa is not watching! Share some of that Amsterdam gear!

Like I said before, the Timelords do come as real bastards on this one. Granted, they forced poor Pat Troughton to regenerate and were Renaissance Florence corrupts in Deadly Assassin, but in this one they are real thick pencil pushers. No wonder the corridors are so grey in Gallifrey: it’s a government office, with red tape and all!

Buncha pencil pushers!

Companion-wise, it’s nice to see Nyssa along with the Doc. No wonder Davison has said on docummentaries that Nyssa was his favourite companion: he’s a bit of Liz Shaw, since she knows her stuff and does practical things, instead of being a whiny companion. I like how they bring her anger out on this one. Like the great Johnny Byrne (I like his scripts, except Traken) says on the docummentaryon this dvd, she has lost her father and her homeworld. The Doc is the only she has left, so obviously she will be very defensive of him. In my humble opinion, The Visitation and this are the best serials for Nyssa. Maybe this one is the best for her character.

Some character development: from genius to trigger happy harpy!

As much stick as Adric got, at least they had a few lines mentioning him after he left. No love for Tegan in Arc. None whatsoever. Not that I mind. Off with the witch! Burn her!

Tegan’s gone!

The dvd is very good. The effects are not that intrusive and enhance the story. This is the first time I can honestly say the CGI was needed to make it a bit better. The transfer is also very good. The extras have a nice little extra hosted with Sophie Aldred being stalked by Johnny Byrne. I’ll take this story as an underrated classic, warts (and Tegan’s cousin and friend) and all.

Chatting up the prostitutes.

On a final note, what’s with the fascination with chickens? Does Omega have a Kentucky Fried Ergon on his antimatter world? And Colin’s hat…urgh… is he the NBC peacock or what? He likes to make chicken’s clucking in the commentary and documentary. Fun times and an excellent DVD for an underrated adventure.

On a sad note, Tegan’s back.

Crap. She’s back!

Frillyrating

Extra captions:

Where did you hid the drugs, naughty girl?

What do you mean “Cindy Lauper wants to sue for plagiarism”?