A confusing visual guide to

Doctor Who – Forest of the Dead ( 2008 )

Edited Highlights:

I don’t have a flippin’ idea what’s going in this one. Moffat overdosed on chalk (see what i did there?)

Rant:

Oh, it’s a simulated reality/alternate world/Being John Malkovich sorta stuff? With a tubby archaeologist? Phew.

So, we start with Creepy Girl again and her Dopey Dad. We are just recovering from an OBVIOUS CLIFFHANGER RESOLUTION DEVICE alert that kinda ruins the cool cliffhanger from last time. She might be in an asylum, Chocky-style or maybe the editor is asleep at the job and mixed it up with another program. I dunno, your bet is as good as mine. In fact, it probably was.

So anyhoo, more red shirts get topped, Morpheus continues to babble along the plot and Catherine Tate gets hitched… uh? She’s married now? Poor fella, hope he has a good stomach for what’s coming and… what? Kids already?!?!?! Time flies, uh? It’s like a bad Owen Wilson comedy.

Now, let’s be a little like Mr. Moffat and write the next paragraph like this story is written:

Hey, thegreedy bastidd turns out to be a nice dude . The effects are better than any sh1t from ILM, really.Look for me in the books. Under “ARSE KICKER!” Ah, c’mon Feepo, stop it with the harry lloyd impersonations! Whoa… killer shadows? like the x-files? Tony Shalhoub lives!!! It’s a scare-a-thon! What a twist!

Eventually, everything works out perfectly. Everybody lives. Indeed.

And that’s it.

Random Thoughts (timecoded so you can check ‘em out if you have the patience…)

01:55 argh! OBVIOUS CLIFFHANGER RESOLUTION DEVICE ALERT!!!
02:10 I bet that girl is Sadako/Samara from The Ring!
02:52 An Asylum, like in Chocky’s Children!
03:01 Morpheus?
03:45 Okay, either the editor is asleep at the job or this is a mindfekk!
04:35 She’s the catch of the day, uh?
07:29 Is it wrong to think she’s pretty?
09:08 “Some hair dryers…” hahaha
10:58 Crapping my pants!
11:52 I need a hug…srly
12:38 it’s a motherflippin’ Ringwraith!
14:39 It’s Bespin!
16:16 Aw, it’s an environmental thing?!
16:54 Officially I’m scared
22:00 Geek time!
25:00 I tells ya, it’s a homage to Adam Sandler’s Click!
29:05 Kubrick will sue……….FROOOOOOOOM BEYOND THE GRAVE!
32:10 Expected but…FUCKOLA!
33:29 GLASSJAW FEEPO!
42:20 Is it heaven?

Uh?! Moments

FUCKOLA! moments!

Duh!-nna

Moff-cary Moments

….tubby?

Feepo!!!!!

“What? All the other episodes are written by Russell T. Davies?”

“Moffat is the next producer? Sah-weeeeet!!”

FrillyRating

RTD, producer MAGNIFIQUE and on his fookin’ way out says:

“Bah, my stories are much better and appeal to you beans on toast eatin’ proletariat!”

MOFFAT retorts:

“And I got the keys to the Whisky cabinet in the canteen. Bitch”.

Silly Captions:

“Harold Lloyd – he ain’t”.

“Feepo says: TALK TO THE HAND!”

A scary visual guide to

Doctor Who – Silence in the library ( 2008 )

Edited Highlights:

The Doctor and his silly bint arrive at a public library, meet a bunch of red shirts and are chased by a biology lab style skeleton in an astronaut suit. There’s also a creeptastic little girl with a particular hairdo and Morpheus has a new job since the Matrix ordeal…

Rant:

So after a rather mixed bag of an episode, we get to Steven Moffat’s “this one’s the scary one!” two-parter, a veritable greatest hits of what made his previous stories work so well.

Tried and true, then? You could call it lazy, but I like to think it’s “his signature”. Or maybe it’s lazy, I dunno, it’s a real cool one.

But I digest. And I digress.

Anyhoo, so Doc Barty Crouch Jr. and Silly Donna mosey around the library, looking for some vintage Palahniuk, when they catch up with a bunch of red shirts 2001 rejects archaeologists who are also roaming the place.

They start to argue around a bit, and there’s this tubby chick who although is a bit old looks quite nice. She starts being a bit quirky, but turns out she knows who the Doctor is (see what i did there?). This obviously piques his curiosity.

Meanwhile, no more than a scary swallow flight away, we get the british equivalent of Sadako and Morpheus, chatting in a rather nice looking house with a rather stupid looking dad (okay, dopey! he’s dopey!). Morpheus speaks on Fishburnese, so none of us, the general public, nor the little girl, the patient, can understand bric or brac or keep track of what the mofo is saying. The girl seems to have magic powers…is this Chocky?

Back to the library (uh?), well, the nice looking girl with the expedition (not the tubby one, but the skinny dopey one with a big arse sign that says “I’M GONNA DIE JUST ABOUT IN FIVE SECONDS, HALP!!?!?!” gets, well, turned into a plastic skeleton nicked from a biology lab.

No, seriously, she gets topped like that. There’s some scary bits with disembodied voices and some hoopla about chicken legs. Yes, it’s that confusing. He tells them to leave, but the idjits just won’t lissen. Ah, kids today.

Oh, btw, the Tubby Scientist? She has a diary…in the form of a TARDIS! I want one!

Switch back to the creepy kid. She behaves creepy. Morpheus speaks in riddle. Someone arrest them, they speak in math and buzz like a fridge.

Back to Dr. Serious Feepo, Laura Donna and the Red Shirts. Another astronaut gets topped and the Tubby Girl that taunts poor Dr. Feepo brandishes a gun (hey, that’s from Captain Jack, you silly bint!!) and makes a fekkin’ big hole in the plot wall.

Meanwhile, Doc Silly Feepo puts Donna on some silly transmat thing stole from Star Trek and then another plastic skeleton dons a spacesuit and LUMBERS MENACINGLY towards our heroes and BOOO-YAH! Cliffhanger!!!

Random Thoughts (timecoded so you can check ‘em out if you have the patience…)

00:20 she’s high!
01:30 WTF?!?!?!
02:20 she dresses like Rose now?
05:00 Creeporama!
05:49 Ursula?
07:35 I would hop into the Tardis and hightail outta here!!
09:05 Moffat, what you smokin’ mate?
10:26 Is this the planet of the Ursulas?
11:20 JEBUS ALMIGHTY!!! Creepy!
12:15 Hey, it’s the Stig from Top Gear!
12:50 Red shirts in white suits
13:00 Cool it, David, you’ll pop your eye out like that!
19:00 a telephone that rings but it’s not ringing? that’s from life on mars!
19:56 officially confused!
21:45 Is this Click?
27:08 quick and clean?
31:01 She’s your one night stand from Nottingham, dude!
31:50 Stupid psychologist!!! You are not helping!
33:20 Bad news, Donna…
36:20 Oh, dude, you divorced her and she keep the screwdriver!
36:40 DONNA LET ME EXPLAIN (mutters: good riddance!)
38:00 – 38:44 FRIJOLES!!!! need new pants, mate!
40:52 FEKKK ME!!!

And now…the visual guide!!

Clueless dad moments

Moffisms (cool dialogue, weird weapons, scary bits)

Reasons to stay chaste (aka Scary Kids and Super Creeps)

Non Feepo moments

Ursula?

Actually, I lied, there’s some Feepo

Times I just went “uh?”

Scary arse moments

Dumb arse moments

Plotholes (psst…use the vanish gun, you silly bint!!!)

…Tubby?

FrillyRating

RTD, producer MAGNIFIQUE says:

“Why do you silly mosquitoes love Moffat so much??!?!! LOVE ME!! LOVE MEEEE! I WRITE STUFF THAT DELIVERS!!!”

MOFFAT retorts:

“I got your job and I have THREE Hugo awards. B1tch”.

Silly Captions:

Scary monsters and super creeps! (YESSSS!! Robby the Robot!)

“Daaaaamn! I’m surrounded by Tubby Red Shirts!”

“Feepo likey iPod!”

Que demonios quisieron decir – 3

Volumen 3: Meatloaf – I’d do anything for love (but I won’t do that)

Frilly’s note: It seems I have an “Animal Farm” situation here… excuse while I kiss the sky…whoops! it’s a fat lady!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

Emma ai notconfused hates King Kong

Wow….i’m impressed!!! Cerca de ocho grueling minutes begging for an end… y cuando al fin llegó… ¡quería lavarme los ojos… con alcohol!

What the hell is that beauty and beast-dracula-notredamehunchback combo?? They didn’t need to make such a freakin’ video, the song was already Frankie enough!! But at the and I can understand Michael Bay, he was just trying to use all those surplus special effects and props from his last movies… but still I was only waiting for something to explode (please let it be the singer’s head).

And well, there’s a bike chase, some werewolf-in-the-woods running scene, a small castle which comes out to be huge inside (it’s the TARDIS!!!) and besides has a high-tech moving chair; also the sexy Dracula (sadly for imightbeelvis, no Monica Belucci) bed and a female singer who screams up the couch all Bonnie Tyler style. How I’m I supposed to know what he was trying to say if my ears are bleeding from that voice? Maybe Bay is all “I’m ready dude, if anyone has pretty much any kind of script, just bring it on, I can do it!! I’m bored!!! I just gotta edit it reeeeally fast and that’s it! IT DELIVERS!!!”

What I did not get at all is the song… he won’t do what?? Finish the song?? Is there any right that protects songs from idleness? Any way, probably he’s just saying “I have a dream” that he can make a new style but obviously needs some urgent advising, ‘cause he doesn’t seem to know the difference between an amalgam and a jumble. Heck, I don’t even know if this post will survive Frilly’s editorializing!! (It won’t, my girl – xxx luvFrilly)

I want to dedicate these last lines to Frilly, who seems to be having some severe mental issues lately… or he’s in love, or we are losing him over the pinky cutie demons of romantic plastic artists. We are all with you Frilly!!!! Don’t go to the light, darkness is much better!!! I hope you may recover soon and give us different stuff to analyze this time, I’m worried about you….and seriously, I have an alcohol bottle right beside my PC. (share, share world! – Frilly)

Homo Rodans is Morpheus

Something is terribly wrong with Frillyshirt. Está es la tercer canción/video in a row que nos hace “analizar” con una temática poperoide romanticoide comercialoide. Podríase pensar que es el efecto de la carne al pastor de la fiesta del Noisy Bishop, pero el fenomeno empezó semanas antes que eso….

En fin….al menos en este video (de casi 8 minutos, holy cow!!) me pude chutar la segunda mitad del mismo sin mucho desagrado gracias a la apropiada participación de la Bella en esta semblanza de la Bella y la Bestia meet Glam rock meet Extreme Make Over meet Dracula meet Comisionado Gordon de la nueva película de Batman meet Terminator 2 meet midlife crisis.

¿Que quizo decir con el video el director de esta amalgama romanticista de corte Disneylandezco? ¿Que no salga uno borracho en motocicleta despues de una fiesta de Halloween so pena de encontrar que el amor de su vida es una cantante de Opera Vampira que hace levitar los muebles y de ser perseguido por la PFP con helicpteros y toda la cosa? ¿Será este el HUMMER H2 de los videos de Hard Rock….gastalón, inutil pero que si se le mira con paciencia se le encuentra la belleza?

En fin, espero que frilly nos sorprenda con una nueva temática en el proximo análisis. Por lo pronto, no me queda más que decir que alguien que se hace llamar Meat Loaf solo podria ser digno de escucharse en los pasillos de CarniSalchiChoneria de la Comercial Mexicana.

I might be Elvis loves Feepo!

WTF? Seriously, Frilly, you still pining after that girl (link removed – Frilly). Jebus almighty and his BBQ grill, you gotta let go. Trust me on this, trust me on this and please DO TRUST ME ON THIS!!!! DO NOT LET THE SHINY LIGHTS, QUICK PACE AND FUNKADELIC MOOD GET YOU!!!

This is romantic opera rock for people who think Cristal y Acero were the bee’s bollocks (or is it the dog’s knees?). This schmaltzy piece of contrived love song poses a question and never has the gall to answer it!

WHAT IS IT, YOU B*TCH T*TS?!?!?! WHAT WON’T YOU DO?? This is worse than that Michael Bolton song (link here, click UNDER YOUR OWN RISK!!!!)

Even worse, the chick DOES sing like Bonnie Tyler, but Bonnie Tyler ain’t this horn inducing! Why should we watch this dross when this hot chick is right there, just waiting for some hard-arsed geezers like us to just stand with MOUTHS AGAPE oogling her!!! OOOGLY DOOOGLY!! Feepo likey see. Jebus, Michael Bay has no perspective!!!

Noisy Bishop looooves the pizza

Ah… Frilly really loves that girl this song reminds him, innit? (See you at the exit, b1tch ¬¬ – Frilly). It’s simple: all the things the girl is saying (fooling around, etc) are the things he won’t do.

I’m just ruining the fun, innit? I’ll join the Frilly bashing then. Y’see, besides him being a terrible editor (Screw you, you runny rhubarb sniffer!!! – Frilly) he really has some personal hygiene issues, dislikes cats and has an affinity to sing Xiu Xiu’s cover of Queen’s “Under Pressure”.

No, wait, that’s me.

Frilly is going to fire them...

Okay, bola de arrastrados psicópatas amantes del mochaorejas y de fabiruchis ¡¡¡NO ESTOY ENAMORADO!!! ¡¡He puesto tres 3 tres rolas azotadas porque es lo que vende y tienen los videos más idiotas (no cuento el de Bejarano…)!! Es el principio de este sitio. ¿Y ‘ora por qué todos en inglés o en pocho? ¡Ni que estuviéramos en la redacción de R&R! Nomás porque mis demás colaboradores no postean (¡¡Ogooooo!!).

No sé por qué piensan que sigo enamorado de Rocío, es más, ni siquiera recuerdo su nombre.

Pero a los que nos truje: este video es el punto en que Michael Bay dijo “no tengo talento, pero edito bien chingón”. El punto del video, lo que nos quiere decir, su función social, su …ARGÉ es: somos Hollywood, tenemos mucha lana. Tomen esto, Etiopía.

A todo esto… este video necesita más explosiones, más banderas estadounidenses y al menos UNA toma en cámara lenta caminando hacia la cámara… sólo así concederé que realmente lo dirigió Michael Bay y no un clon barato.

(ALERTA DE CHISTE LOCAL)

Por cierto, este post se lo atribuyo a Ogo. Espero que lo lea en un VIPS (ya compra internet y centro de lavado, hermano) y se empieza a cajetear de la risa como cuando vio el video de los quesitos en las colinas de Inglaterra o como cuando contó su chiste de su encuentro con el diablo.

(/TERMINA CHISTE LOCAL)

¿Saben? Me siento mal por Meat Loaf (¿Vá junto o separado? Ah, me da webita editorial…soy como los de la Jornada o el Reforma), porque después de esto, NADA le pegó y hasta salió agarrado de la cutícula con Jim Steinman.

Eh, bueno, hasta la próxima.

Ogo fuma en el VIPS

No, hermanos, esto está como que del Diablo y nomás no entiendo. Ahí los leo al rato, tengo unos monstruos que dibujar.

Y en la próxima edición: THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES of AMERICA!

PD: Look who’s back

RTD - Writer extraordinaire yeah!!

THIS SONG DELIVERS!!! You are all good persons, but are just confused straights not in touch with your emotions! GET YOUR CRYING TOWELS OUT!!!!

A buzzing visual guide to

Doctor Who – The Unicorn and the Wasp ( 2008 )

Edited Highlights:

The Doctor and Lauren Donna need to solve a murder mystery with Miss Marple Agatha Christie. Hilarity, murder, lace, cyanide and a whole lot of references ensue.

Rant:

It’s the 1920s and plucky Donna and his Charleston-dancing friend (Feepo, temping for the Doc this week) arrive just in time for a par-taaaay…and murder! Oh, and the colour purple abused thoroughly…what’s with the production values, yo?

Turns out some fat dude gets topped in a study (where’s Colonel Mustard, yo?). Through some maaaad detecting skillssss (meaning just waiting for expository clues to appear), The Doctor, Donna and a very shaggable Agatha Christie run around for 40 minutes or so. I dunno, I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION, OKAY? I was just grabbing some screen caps and thinking of jokes. HAVE PITY!

Anyhoo, there’s fekkin’ big wasp killing people around (get Michael Caine, he has the experience! Or even better, get Nicolas Cage!), some stiff upper lip mocking of the British way of life and… that’s it! There’s some weird convoluted discussionabout Agatha Christie’s mysterious disappearance but it…. doesn’t deliver.

And what’s with the character’s stupidity? What the frijoles are they thinking? “ooooh, there’s a nice GIGANTOFEKKERAMA wasp coming my way! What should I do?” GET TOPPED, you idiot! “Oooh, there’s a heavy-like statue coming towards me from the sky? Shall I move to the side? NAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, let it hit me! I CAN TAKE IT!” … Fellas, your Darwin Awards are waiting, collect them on your way to the big re-run in the sky.

The plot…. ehrm, there was one? Gareth Roberts does know his references and it shows, but, jolly frijoles and chips… is he into recycling? He’s pretty much doing the same thing he did on The Shakespeare Code, even the “ah, that’s where they got their inspiration from” jokes ( “You can use that” in Shakespeare Code, “Copyright: DONNA NOBLE!” on this one). It’s a good joke, but all these jokes suffer from repetition.

I would like to make a small aside from all this nastiness from my rant to make some kudos for director Graeme Harper, I love his style. HE FEKKIN’ RULES, OK??? Go watch Caves of the Androzani or Rise of the Cybermen. If you don’t have them, acquire them or invite me out for some food and I’ll gladly show ‘em to you .

Wait, it wasn’t an aside. It was the end of the review. Sorry!

Random thoughts (and the time they appeared):

01:55 “ooh, a giant wasp! OH SH1T IM DEAD!”
02:32 “Flapper or slapper? How about annoying, honey?”
04:56 “Get Poirot on the scene!!”
09:50: WTF… wavy lines for flashbacks?!?!
11:30 A flashback inside a flashbackl?!
14:42 It’s the pudsey bear!
15:55 “Buzzed off!” …groaaaan!
22:00 Damn! THE BUTLER DID IT?!
23:30 she has terrible breath!
25:55 I have a pun for you “he has something on his back!” BOOM BOOM!
29:07 Yes officer, arrest me.. ahh so that’s where the stupid agatha christie villains come from!
29:10 She’s the unicorn because he gives the horn?
38:50 Bessie?

41:25 I would have amnesia too if I were at Harrogate

43:48 (trailer) URSULA?!?!?!?!

And now…the visual rating!!!

Groan inducing puns

Moments I thought “whoa, either i’m horny or they are nice looking!”

Harperisms (nice shots, cool tracking bits, nice visual flair)

Moments o’duuuuuuuuuuuh!

Attack of the Feepo!

Is this satire?

She did…WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

“Geeze….can I skip directly to the Moffat one?”

Frillyrating:

RTD says:

“Frilly, you suck! This is satire! SATIRE! And it delivers!”

Silly Captions:

“She did WHAT with an alien wasp?”
“Oh, I bet it stinged!” (eat your heart out, Gareth Roberts!)

They caught her in the act!

AAAH!!! Never eat Dave’s Insanity Sauce! NEVER!!!

“Oh no….blue means pregnant?”

PS: I liked it maybe a tad higher than 3 stars, but it’s open to get some pounding, right? And Caves of the Androzani? IT SERIOUSLY DELIVERS:

A tasty visual guide to

Torchwood – Meat ( 2008 )

What’s this? PETA’s episode? Where’s the nekkid chicks saying they rather be nekkid than wear fur? And more importantly… where can I meet them?

Did they took a cue from Robert Holmes‘ school of subtlety? Where’s the “healthy vegetarian diet quip“?

So it starts with Rhys, driving la vida loca in Cardiff when suddenly… BANGOROONIO!!! he runs over some idiot with a fetish for taking pics of people’s shoes.

Anyhow, no more than a welsh swallow flight away, one of Rhys’s employees gets himself topped in a car crash (no, he doesn’t go to 1973), so Rhys goes Scooby Doo. Gwen thinks Rhys’s into it. Hilarity ensues.

Actually, no, what follows is a quite cool but non too subtle episode of Torchwood. The message that eating meat is bad is soooooo drilled on your consciousness that you might get put off of eating it for a while (5 minutes, my time).

A few domestic rows and suspicious looks between Gwen and Jack later, Rhys comes to save the day with a kinda cool plan to infiltrate the place where the special “meat” comes from. Turns out it’s the body of a living alien, which regenerates meat that it’s cut down from it.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

Anyhoo, Ianto is quip-tastic, kicks a lot of bottoms and saves the day. There’s a lot of “crying towel” moments for all you veggies, vegans and weak nancy boys (like meself) to shed a tear and feel bad about that kebab you just had.

I really dug this episode, it has a point to make (even if it’s a bit too heavy handed) but the cool humour, nice action bits and a fantastic pace from director Colin Teague (who also directed the fantastic Torchwood episode Sleeper) and a script by the always reliable writer Catherine Tregenna.

Random thoughts:

-Oh no, another row?

-Geeze…. Gwen is a real b1tch.

-C’mon, Rhys, you deserve better!

-You cheating harpy!

-Owen… meet my boyfriend. Boyfriend, meet the dude I was fooling you with.

-Meat is murder.

-Did Morrissey wrote this?

-Yes, aliens, get over it, ok?

-Aw, c’mon, Owen, don’t shoot Tosh down like that. You could use the shag! (God knows she needs one)

-STOP IT WITH THE “MEAT IS BAD!!!” STUFF! I’m gonna eat THREE carl jrs burgers and then drop dead from clogged arteries after this!

-”We could release a single!” –> IANTO OWNS!!

-”Did I show off” ; “Just a bit!”

-Whoa….Jack… back off!

-”Listen to Ahab!”

-C’mon, Owen, she made you sandwiches…at least buy her a Strongbow and a kebab…

-What’s with the sandwiches?

-Kick their arses, Ianto!

-Who the fekk has a syringe that big?

-OMFG…Jack is a drug pusher!!! SHAME ON YOU! This is a kid’s show!

When it ends you say to yourself: If Ianto led this place, they would be effective.

“Aww, poor Rhys!”

“Gwen, you are a b1tch, sisssteer!”

Times you thought to yourself: hey, it might be something good!

…out of which IT DELIVERS!

Cap Jack’s campy moments (in the dozens)

“Whoa, Ianto could kick Jack Bauer’s arse!!”

Yeah, we get it…meat is murder… rock n roll, deal with it…

Good Ianto jokes

Cap’n Jack is a flirty bastidd!!

Bad sex jokes

Overshots of Beautiful Cardiff

Cap’n Jack’s crying towel moments

Crying towel moments for the rest of the cast

FrillyRating:

Russell T. Davies, our MAN IN CARDIFF! says:

“C’mon, Frilly, you know meat is murder… YOU ARE AN UNFIT PARENT! And you are still a virgin living in your parents basement!”

A daughter’s visual guide to

Doctor Who – The Doctor’s Daughter ( 2008 )

Someone’s taking the mick around here? Really. That’s it?? There was a lot of hoopla about this episode and I guess that maybe my expectations were a bit high-ish, but… it was really underwhelming.

Tennant seemed to be a little on “automatic” on previous episodes and it felt like today was going to be another one. I was thankfully wrong at the end, but it was hanging precariously between “good acting” and “diabolical acting”.

The story promised a lot, but you can’t change the status quo of a show that much, is it? I’m hoping that this episode will be linked to something else in the ending, just like last year’s Lazarus Experiment (written by the same geezer, hmmm). It’s not that good, but it isn’t a mess like you would be led to believe.

…so, the plot?

Silly Doc Ten, Lauren a Silly PoFaced Bint Assistant arrive into nondescript quarry planet where he gets cloned and wouldn’t you know it? The clone comes out with perfect fitting clothes, make up and snarky dialogue, stolen from Joss Whedon’s scripts!

So, a lot of time and gurns after, Silly PoFaced Bint Assistant gets herself Marthanapped by some fish (wonder if they are related to the one in Torchwood?). It turns out that the planet has an inhospitable atmosphere (is it Villahermosa?) so exposure to the atmosphere can be deadly. Why do I mention this? No idea and I dun a poo why it’s even mentioned, except for padding reasons.

Which brings me to my main problem… why in the name of Terry Nation do you pad a story that hardly needs padding, that has enough emotional power that you can stretch?! Do they mention that she’s a clone of the last living Timelord? Nah, let’s go for a weepy travel through a badly lit marsh, just like, i dunno, an old overpadded episode that makes no sense! Yeah, we got 45 minutes to wrap up this story and instead of going for the “emotional journey” with the Doctor and his “daughter”, we get the MOST STUPID FISH IN THE WORLD… swim, you flippin’ idiot!

It gets a bit better by the end, though, even if it veers directly into the “oh, no… spin off!!!” territory with a twee afterthought.

Random thoughts:

-It’s the pimple teen from the simpsons!
-Buffy ?
-It’s the fish from Torchwood?
-Good moments with nice chats!
-This is like Fenric Flirting?
-Quarries! Quarries!
-NO! NOT THE MOUSE! WERE THE FCUK IS PETA?!?!
-The rifles shoot zippo lighters, AHOOGAH!
-She goes Sarah Jane on us!
-That fish has more personality than Martha.
-Hey she surived walking the earth. Heck if she survived the space equivalent of Villahermosa, she’ll survive everything!
-I really really really hope she doesn’t fly like her dad!

And now…THE RATINGS!

Silly companion moments

Proof that McCoy is the father too

“Yo, where’s Sarah Michelle Gellar?”

Stupid military moments

Moments you ask yourself “Why is Martha in this again?”

Instances you mutter to yourself that famous Marlon Brando phrase from On the waterfront…

Moments you go “padding on a 45 minute episode? geeeeeze!”

“Wow…she’s really cute!”

Feepo Moments

Times the thought of ” SPIN OFF!!! ” whirls in your head

“Crying towel” bits

Times you remember her father is a bastidd so tough that managed to survive a crash landing, go into some fekkin’ cave, fool a Lava Monster and save her best friend (all of this while under the influence of a deadly poison) and you just say to yourself “boy, she’s high maintenance!”

Frillyrating:

RTD says:

“Frilly, you are a silly straight living with your parents. YOU ARE NOT IN TOUCH WITH YOUR EMOTIONS!! This delivers!!”

Silly Captions!

“Ah! It’s Jeff Goldblum!”

Click here to see who plays this character…

Doctor:”For the last time, I’m NOT calling you Buffy!”

Donna: (thinking) “sigh…gotta call my agent!”

“No, really, I bought it at Tesco”

Heartbroken, David Tennant sees the plot for the next episodes and thinks “I shoulda stayed in Harry Potter…”

There will be visual guides

Torchwood – To the last man ( 2008 )

It’s the Tosh-centric episode of the series…and…it’s not a bunch of old tosh!

It starts with one fine cold-opening, leaving you with the sensation that’s it’s going to be another in media res beginning (very Palahniuk, if you ask me). Yup, a “few hours earlier” caption and it’s off we go. It all starts with a cool moment at Tosh’s place and….whoa, someone’s had plastic surgery!

Anyhoo, hormonal moments later, it turns out that every year (or maybe more, i wasn’t paying attention) they revive some frozen dude and he goes on a date with Tosh. I guess the dates are so bad he has to be frozen to survive them (zing!!!).

But wait! The fabric of reality starts to unravel or summat. It all boils down to Tosh and his Popsicle Shagpiece… What to do? End it up all in tears, that’s the Torchwood way! Get out the crying towel (TM The Thing) because it’s a bit of a sad ending. Not as heart-wrenching as the episode Out of Time, but still I felt sad. There’s a nice nod back, when Owen (who isn’t on arsehole mode anymore) offers a bit of advice to Tosh (with him having been through something similar in Out of Time). Loved that bit

Seriously, Helen Raynor’s scripts are much better in Torchwood than in Doctor Who, if you ask me. She knows how to tell a good little tear jerker, with some solid points here and there (and a few gaps that require audience disbelief, but I’ll give ‘em…it’s Sci Fi!) and a good selection of music (et tu, Moby?). Great, quiet little episode, a welcome relief after the kill-o-drama that was Sleeper.

Quick thoughts:

-Wow! Old Torchwood!

-Ah, how sweet, they are in love! Where’s the stuffed toy, dude? You gotta be more romantic!

-”They died so young!” AHHH SCARY!! Is that the arc?!?!

-It’s the return of Cardiff overshots! Yay!

-Ewwwwwww! I’m no homophobe but.. EEEEEEEWWWWW!!… where’s a lesbian kiss for us horny straight dudes?!?!?! WE DEMAND THEM!

-Haunted hospitals?!?! SWEET JEBUS AND HIS TOY DALEKS!! SCARY SH1T!!!

-Argh…time….travel…predestination…head hurts!!

Now, the ratings:

Times the overbearing score tells you to cry, cry, cry!

Times you thought to yourself: hey, it might be something good!

…out of which IT DELIVERS!

Times you think Helen Raynor is much better in Torchwood

Times you think to yourself “yeah, we know they are at it..be subtle, yes?”

Moments you pause and say “Where’s Funny Ianto!?!? I NEED IANTO BEING FUNNY, NOT SNOGGING CAP JACK!!”

Character changes that feel more like “out of character moments” (i.e. Owen being nice and sympathetic and not being a “i’ll shag ANYTHING!” bastidd):

FrillyRating:

RTD says:
IT DELIVERS!!!

there’s no end to these visual guides, is there?

Torchwood – Sleeper ( 2008 )

So, another day, another Torchwood?

Kind off, actually, this one feels more like 24 meets X-Files, really . Not that there’s anything wrong with it. It goes like this: a crazy bint goes bananas on a bunch of blaggers and since the UK is sooooo lawsuit happy, she gets sued by the blaggers (one of them died, but what gives? Lawyers can’t be bothered with stuff like that!!).

Anyhoo, the bint wastes her only call and instead of calling Shark or some cool lawyer, she calls Mulder and Scully. Sadly, they were shagging (not each other) and she searched the Yellow Pages for something “X-File-ish”. Obviously, she needs glasses. She gets Torchwood!!

So the Torchwood team o’idiots comes around to help her… by torture! What’s this? Guantanamo’s franchising in Cardiff? So after some ol’ good torture (Captain Jack is a crazy gringo…) turns out that the deranged bint is… AN ALIEN!

Worst of all, she’s part of an infiltration mission that has one mission: to blew the whole frickin’ budget in crazy Michael Bay-esque explosions and sh1t like that. It goes all 24 on us and you get everything: stabbings, bullet, explosions, babies hit by cars, pasties stolen, Windows Vista crashes and even a few moments of pure, cool entertainment.

By some doo-hickeys thingamajigs, they manage to stop this rag tag of stupid aliens, but the one that looks like an evil P.E. teacher mocks them saying that his comrades are…ALREADY HERE!!

…Sadly, i thought this was going to be the arc for the series, but I was wrong. Still, this one entertained me thoroughly. Violence, blood, funny jokes by once po-faced Ianto (now he’s Comedy King Ianto!) and not one but two Battleship Potemkin moments!

Quick thoughts:

-Gee, she really needs to get medication for her PMS.

-That ought hurt!

-NO! NOT THE MIND PROBE!!!!

-Somewhere, George Bush is real proud of Cap’n Jack’s methods.

-You’d think they get out of the fekkin’ Hub and do some policing, dontcha?

-Gee, nice mother skills, you stupid Vicky Pollard look alike!

-WHOA!! NASTY!!! Baby killing on open tv?!?! Even if it’s implied, it’s fekkin’ harsh!

-”I know everything. And it’s at the bottom of the screen”. IANTO = QUIP KING!

-The attack begins!

-HA HA HA HA! “bits of string tied to cardboard rolls!” IANTO KILLS ME !

-Gee…someone saw Predator, right?

-C’mon, dude, you had time to activate your explosives…

-Predictable ending but still…whoa…

Now…the ratings:

Amount of times you think this is about Guantanamo

Times you thought to yourself: hey, it might be something good!

…out of which IT DELIVERS!

Cap Jack’s campy moments (in the dozens)

Times you expect Jack Bauer to drop by, shoot someone in the arse and shag someone (preferably female)

Overshot views of Cardiff (a.k.a. they get payola from the Cardiff board of tourism)

Plot holes (each face is 5)

Ianto quips that made me laughs like an idiot!

FrillyRating:

Egads, another Visual Guide to…

Torchwood – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang ( 2008 )

So, it was … so-so… a lot of good things could be done here, but it goes into neutral silly mode and never changes gear. The team seems to be a little more united (either because of the “emotional journey” from series 1 or some serious rethinking of the series due to fan backlash) and less b1tchy. Jack is still Jack (emote a bit, dude, it won’t hurt you) with the occasional bits of good acting. James Marsters is doing Spike again, sadly.

I don’t mind having bisexual or gay characters. But I dislike the sense that they are used as an excuse to label the show as “edgy”. No, it’s not. Having two dudes kissing does not make you edgy. It even feels a bit like a gimmick. There’s shows that have gay/bisexual characters that are better written, but then again, it’s a scifi show, so I shouldn’t be that harsh with it…only with the hype it’s being surrounded (mostly by the creators, not the general public).

I liked the bits on the container area (yeah, poison kisses!) and how the team is starting to act like one again. Owen is a bit less of an idiot, Tosh gets maybe a few more lines, Gwen is schizophrenic and Ianto… well, I’ll let you know my opinion on the next ep, ’cause in this one he’s a cypher again.

Quick thoughts:
-Yay, it’s Spike!
-”Bloody Torchwood!” You tell em, grandma!!!!
-Wtf? A frickin’ fish!?!?!
-Hey, Jack’s Back!
-Hey, they are it again!
-Whooaaaaaa… cool it with the Daffyd Moments, mate!
-Uh, no one see that coming? He’s the fekkin bad guys, you buncha idiots!
-No, NOT THE RESET BUTTON… ahhh sod it.
-Wait, not everything’s alright… they guy that was going to get his throat cut got it!!! CRAP!
-Gray? wtf? Is that the series arc?

Anyhoo… let’s go for the visual ratings:

Amount of times you wish it was a silent show

Character changes that feel more like “out of character moments”

Times you thought to yourself: hey, it might be something good!

…out of which IT DELIVERS!

…out of which you say to yourself: I hope the next one is better

Daffyd moments

Times you say to yourself: Adult drama? My arse!!!

Cap Jack’s campy moments (in the dozens)

My reaction to the “Ooooooh! Story arc bits being dropped!” moment

FrillyRating:

A poisonous visual guide to…

Doctor Who – The Poison Sky ( 2008 )

So, there I am, 3 am, fiiiiiiiiiiiiinally arriving from another Saturday working as a bartender (never mix absinthe with vodka with tequila, kiddies) and lo and behold, the Mad Martha Torrent was there shiny in all it’s illegal glory…and I didn’t watch it ’cause being a bartender can be hard on ye…

Anyyyhoo, i gave it a view today and you know what? It wasn’t that bad. I quite enjoyed it even if it’s the nth invasion of earth story (whoa, is it the Pertwee years again?). The cliffhanger was solved as expected, there was a fun-fun shootout and Martha’s Evil Clone acts better than the silly bint does (which isnt a lot, really). Donna goes a bit Nyssa and does rather nothing and there’s a lot of dodgy science going around here. The Big Flame o’Burning (TM) apparently didn’t burn anybody nor any plane nor any fowl nor anything at all, it seems.

Cribbins? He’s the man, really. I get a hint of Patrick Troughton… the way he talks and all, it reminds me of The Mighty Trout, dunno why.

Finally, some aliens that aren’t bulletproof… wonder why the heads didn’t collapse or some green goo came out of their mouth (ala 2 docs!)

The “wtf?” moment was courtesy of Bingo, of course. I might have a theory of what’s going on, but it’s quite stupid and frankly I don’t think they’ll go there…

Random Thoughts:
-Martha really is going the “Nyssa way”… useless in Who, useless in Tosswood… both had a nice-ish rump, that’s it!
-WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Was that who I think it was??!!?!?! BINGO!
-Did they bought a cd of jokey sound effects? The lasers sound like sh1t!
-Donna plays WHACK A MOLE!!
-Biggest Plothole? NO GARETH JENKINS!!!!! Where is he?!?! A fix with Sontarans said he saves us! Jimmy wouldn’t lie, would he?
-ARE YOU MY MUMMY!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-A kiss after humanity is saved? wtf? is this a Michael Bay movie?
-How can they do the “SONTAR HA!” thing if they are pointing guns?! And is it really that expensive that they must reuse the footage from last ep?
-”I set the planet on fire, but don’t worry, nothing happened”
-The evil Tween … Vaughn he aint… Camp it up dude!

Anyhooo, the Visual Guide y’all probably tired of:

Amount of times we get the cool “UNIT theme”

Times you think Raynor will do something cool on her script

Times you JUST know RTD messed aboot here:

Silly “Gringo’s are madddddddd” “for the lulz!” moments

Times the human baddies (Marthaclone and the idiotic kid genius) go into “Diabolical Acting” mode


Stupid “oooh they are really small!” jokes

Times you think Cribbins looks like an old Patrick Troughton

Reasons why DAVO is the perfect Father in law

Moments o’Feepo (TM)

Reasons to see the next episode

More “the Doc is bad, bad, BAAAAD!” mum moments

Times you think Cribbins deserves his own fekkin’ series

Stupid companion moments:

Proof that the work of Davo is SACRED!!!

Red Berets that have red shirts

FrillyRating:

RTD says:
IT DELIVERS!!!

Silly captions:

It’s pass the kool aid day!

Fekkin Pamela Nash!

The Doctor in Mexico City

Man, if this was Torchwood….